PARDON ME, RNT U A FUCKIN PEACH U BLUNT BUTT PLUG?

hellooooo out there. first i must apologize for being MIA lately, but can u blame me for the fast approach of the holidays??? alright, so some of u could but i dont need your input. ;) lets just say ive been a little tense what with havin to run to the stores multiple times in one day to get the stuff i need for presents and stocking stuffers. or the fact that i work with a few dipshits. or that my xmas get together was NOT what i was hoping for. or that ppl cant seem to make plans cause they "just dont know". wtf? shall i elaborate on all of this???.....thanks, thought ud like to know!!

u know how frustrating it is when u go to the store with specific things to buy and get distracted buying other things and forget the original shit....yep. then to come home and start wrapping only to use the last two pieces of tape. FUCK! another shitty trip to the store. then u remember u forgot the candy after goin to the store to get the fuckin tape......another trip, more traffic, more waiting in obscene lines. 'nough said. (but its all good now, whew!)

dipshits galore! i go to work last week, im comin in to clock in boss says to me ull b on lower level for awhile due to "safety issues". i say...okay when can i get some training for down there? she replies uh get a really good report from dayshift tonite. did u catch that? THAT SAME NITE. wtf. so i get report from a chic who that day was their SECOND time being down there. fuckin lovely. not that i cant handle it but i like being prepared. well it was hell and when the upstairs rn hears bout it pulls me up there. so i go start doin rounds and start a bed bath when said rn finds me and says nooooo go to the other hallway. keep in mind that we have a new girl workin her SECOND nite on the hallway im told to go to and she has to move! so i pretty much worked the whole fuckin building and the new girl gets shifted from one hall to another. is it just me or was that INSANE? not to mention the standard dipshit stuff that happens on dayshift that us second shifters have to pick up. lemme tell ya though....the other nite i kicked ass on south between rounds, baths, inventory sheets, shaving the men, out puts and books, i wonder what my partner did? hmmmm.....'nough said. (oh theres an evil plot in the works, one nurse told another nurse out right that she'll do whatever it takes to get my fav nurse fired or make her quit----i think someones been a naughty girl and derserves to have some coal shoved right up her ass)

so my xmas get together was not what i had imagined. darcy couldnt make it and angie-n-steve didnt want to share t and i with anyone else. it was just me, t, mandy, l, and jeremy....oh and mandys brother. i dont know if i should even start tellin this story cause, well, it fuckin pisses me off. c mandy had asked me if i cared if her bro could come with her cause she was gonna take him shoppin when things ended here. now i know sibs fight, but their fighting is the bitchy nag at each other bullshit. typically ive seen this at their home and figured he'd behave if hes at my house with ppl he didnt know. i even told her make sure he knows to "b cool". oh yeah he will b she assured me. and says shell b here at 330/4. i ran to the store at 320 got back at 4 theyre sittin in the drive way. first story....my lil ol' neighbor lady cs him pissin in the snow and comes out. fuckin great! then he proceeds to run in and out of the house, no doubt pouting. ppl get here and he keeps sayin shit like "we need to go" "i have to go shoppin" "come on" "we should leave" and continuously runnin in and out the house. which causes mandy to bitch at him and make the rest of us edgy. she decides to leave and the lil shit has taken off....WALKING. phone calls to her mom were made and calls back etc. he comes back, argues with her and her mom or whoever is on the damn phone and they leave. ugh. i apologize profusly to l and jeremy and then feel like an ass. whole story is that mandys bro wanted to go shoppin at the mall, the mall in the town they fuckin live in so y she brought him here is beyond me. and y she didnt explain to him that it wasnt a quick "heres ur gift, get out" kind of thing confuses me more. apparently bringing him here was savin on gas for her. and apparently he thought ppl would b here when they showed up but i had told her it wasnt until 6 and that shed b EARLY. obviously it coulda been handled a helluva lot better but what really pisses me off is that he would act like such a twat in front of my company at my house. moral of the story---mandy u will NOT EVER bring ur brother and ur guys' drama to my house again.

explanation of above title....same nurse plottin against p told me that "pardon me" is actually more correct to say than "excuse me". this came about when i was tryin to get outta her way and thus said pardon me. she learned this from a miss manners book her grandparents bought her when she was a teenager---if u ask me i think she should re read the damn thing. then i had to call darcy to rant and she says well "rnt u a fuckin peach". i tell t about all this and he says when u make ur post u should title it "pardon me, rnt u a fuckin peach?" and then put my lil rant on here. blunt butt plug.....ummmm came from a convo earlier tonite with t and darcy over her water bottle and i thought id throw it into the title for kicks. TA-DA! :)

really, im all done ranting and im not tense anymore. shit is all taken care of and i can enjoy the holidays now. yay! i even spent a lil $ on myself today--haircut and a trip to the nail salon. although the lack of coffee this mornin made me a lil scary this afternoon but even that got fixed. ;) so alls well that ends well. thanks for the xmas presents guys....t and i appreciate them! now for that massage and did i hear somethin about a sexin??? hehehe :)

last week of the semester

So I really only have one test left. And a problem on a take home test that I porbably don't have to even do but I want to make sure that I have an A in the class.
And I had to spend and hour with a group doing a group final. This is the group from fucking hell. There's me how wants to work together and smooth things over unless you are being an ass. Then basically three asses. What I learned? Never ever ever try to be flexible and nice. ALways say what you want so you don't get stuck with the group form hell! There is one fucking moron who is a math education major and can't even round correctly. He tried to the group that he couldn't do a test we creted for 8th grade in 44 minutes. I swear if I could have decked him I would have. I hate morons. But what's worse than a moron? A moron you have to try to do something with.
Speaking of morons. Who brings a sick person over to their house, exposing their roomates to the virus? Yup. I swear if I get sick there will be some fucking hell to pay.
Oh yeah. The one test I have to take is in the class I am afraid of doing bad in so I have to do spectacular on the final and I can't bring myself to study yet.
I have like no money, except I am happy I got money back from a book. $40! I am so fucking happy about that. I am thinking of selling back another jsut for the money but i think it might be useful later.
I just want to get home relax a bit. ( DOn't worry Tim I will still wrap presents for you if you want.) Then I want to shop for my mom and give her her presents before we go to mexico.

TLC

well hello all. ive been a little amiss lately. u could say ive been preoccupied with christmas, a little bit of work and overall just tryin to hang in there. have i said lately how much i hate being a grown up? haha. soooo um yeah......i had a co-worker shoulder check me last week while at work. i wasnt very happy about that. told my nurse and the administrator. he got back with me today about this little issue. apparently this chic didnt remember doin any such thing and apologized to him. needless to say he told her that she should apologize to me and to "comfort" me he told me that sometimes the ppl that have worked at a place for awhile just need their bad habits or w/e brought to their attention. hmmm, im not buying it and im disappointed that she merely got a lecture! the least that could have been done was to write her up! fuckin work politics!!! pfft!!! u know, i love my job---that is, i love what i do but sometimes u can get too involved and that creates problems. ie.....i really like this facility and b/c i like it soo much i really want to fix the wrongs. well, im only one person and ppl very rarely change so u do the math.

my christmas shopping is just about complete. still need something cool for my brother then that should do it. i picked up his wish list the other nite. luckily the list i got was different than the one posted on his frig! that one included things like a cam corder, mp3 player and a digital camera.....wow! guys r so expensive to buy for!

i thought my car was gonna take a shit on me. i went to start it and the front end shook so bad u woulda thought u were sittin in a giant vibrator! thank god tim fixed it and it wasnt an assload of money. i cant remember if i told him thanks or not but if i didnt.........THANKS!! i appreciate it.

yep, its been pretty hazey around here for me. just kinda hangin out in left field. not sure what the deal is cause im not pissed off or in need of an asshole day or w/e. just kinda feeling like i need to make time for me. i wasnt even excited to put the christmas tree up this year, felt more like a chore than fun......and thats not me. i wasnt even uber picky about the window clings or the ornaments. u dont even have to ask cause tim already did----"r u feeling alright?" haha :) im sure the "occd" will set in soon enough. ;)

on a brighter note......our thanksgiving dinner was excellent! i cooked 2 turkeys and stuffed each one with half a head of garlic, onions, celery and an apple. it was sooo yummy! we had pies out the ass cause of ppl bringing extra. and we had an interesting conversation about corn quite possibly being the indestructible vegetable. hahahaha (if u dont get that, eat some corn and c how it comes out ;) )

aight, so thats it really. ill try not to b such a stranger but this haze is seemingly keeping me from wanting to do anything other than lounge around. btw, ive tried the halloween pics again, still no go. :( fuckers!

on a sidenote i lost 2 of my fav workers to dayshift. i know we'll still c each other but it fuckin sucks and im sad. traitors! :P also one of my residents passed away yesterday mornin---god b with u potter.

My search is over!

I found him! Italked to my father on the phone this evening. I also got to talk to my grandparents too. I was excited and nervous. I found out that I have 3more sibblings. One is 11, 6, and 6months. I now have 5 brothers and sisters. That makes 6 of us. Everyone was excited to know what has been going on in my life. There has been so much time that has passed between us. He offered to send money so that I could come out there and see him over the holidays. I think I will go and see him over my christmas break or my spring break. I am so excited! I can't wait to him and my new sibblings and my grandparents. Well, thats it for now. I could talk for a long time.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Have a good day full of food, love, and happiness. Best wishes and God Bless!!!!!!!

FUCK!

Fuck. FUCK FUCK FUCK. Piss Shit Fuck GodDamn it. FUCK. Holy what the FUCK, fuck. FUCK!!!!! Okay, I feel a little better. Sorry I yelled at you. Thank you, and Goodnite.

Begining my new Search! Part 2

Well, like I promised I would let you all in on the news. I had gotten my email that I had been waiting for. I have his last 8 known addresses with his current address on the top. I wrote him a letter today and I will have to mail it out tomorrow. Now, its just hurry up and wait. I gave him my address, my phone number, and my email address. I even told him a little bit about myself. I will tell him more of course when and if I get a response. Its like wondering aimlessly in the dark and I am searching franticly to find a light. Do I have to keep running into walls or will my light be discovered. Only time will tell. I will keep everyone posted in the times that come.

IN THE WORDS OF G...DAMN IT SHIT!

well i keep tryin to get some of the halloween pictures posted and its just not workin. pfft. fuckin blogger!! as if i dont have enough to piss me off already!! im not really angry about anything in particular. just time for an asshole day......which i do believe is goin to last longer than the previous 48 hours. woohoo! :D just in time for t-day, wont it b grand?? ;) it started tuesday evening while at work. a dietary aid was asking a nurse if she thought that being a blonde got her more "looks" versus now that shes a brunette. (the nurse, not the dietary lady) the nurse said maybe and then the dietary lady proceeds to say that back in her day she definitely got more looks as a blonde. then they both went inside. j and l were with me and i had to laugh....i said what a miserable old hag....she got looks my ass! j ofcourse said somethin about me being harsh. i said well if she were any more self absorbed she could b her own lesbian girlfriend. all she does is bitch and complain about everything. she rarely asks about anyone else, even when she does she soon cuts u off to listen to the sound of her own fuckin voice. then other ppl started gettin bitchy as the nite went on. so i decided not to sign up for any overtime that it would b best to take a couple of days to myself so as not to spread the asshole-ism.......what do i get??? my gas bill. which went from 30 to 250 bucks in one fuckin month. HOLY SHIT! needless to say there was a huge freak out and a string of profanities then calm. but u know what they say....theres always calm b4 the storm. hahaha i left the house then, went and paid the bills i planned on paying and window shopped at a few stores considering i still have a few xmas gifts to buy. but even that added to the fire....wtf am i doin window shoppin when i dont have the money to buy anything that i could potentially c for a gift??? so i came home feeling more defeated and stressed knowing id have to tell tim about the gas bill. wow! was that bad timing. he totally flipped the fuck out. even put in a call to the landlord. theyll b sending a guy over to check everything out on monday but still. at least now ive come to terms that i wont b the one finding the magical money tree in the back yard---i know ur back there damn it!! ;) in the mean time take a number and get in fuckin line! today is not ur day, tomorrow aint lookin so good either.........................................................

Begining a new Search!

I am begining a new search. Starting today. For those who know me, you know that I have not spoken with my father for about 12 years now. Today, I put out a search. I should have my results within 24 hours. I am really neverous about all of this. I have thought about doing this for a long time. What better times than the holidays to try and locate a lost family member. I will be in hopes that I find him and that I will be able to establish a relationship with him after all of these years. My father and I, the last time we spoke, had exchanged words. We, obviously, haven't spoken since. At a very young age I told him how I felt about things and it hit really close to home. I am sure that it upset him but I guess the truth hurts sometimes. I am not looking to appologize, I am just looking to know. To some of you this may sound very foolish and I can understand. However, when something just eats and eats at you, you eventually have to do something about it. I will keep everyone posted on the events ahead. Please, if you believe, keep me in your prayers!

YES DEAR-------

i know i posted just the other day but im feeling compelled to let everyone know that things have been a lil weird for me lately. its like something is off or outta whack and i cant figure out what it is. what a gnawing feeling. shitty actually. sorta makes ya feel crazy?? doesnt help that p keeps telling me that i look tired all this week at work. pfft. i am wore out....physically drained.

yes, i am getting pissed that i keep calling the estate atty to only reach the voicemail.
yes, i am pissed that when i leave messages, none of them r returned.
yes, im really hoping i get my moms stuff back at thanksgiving.
yes, i am sad that i have big news and cant share it with my mom.
yes, i am exhausted.
yes, i would like a drink. ;)
yes, i know i have one more atty payment....when i have it ill give it to u fucker.
yes, i am stressing too much about how many hours i work or dont work.
yes, i plan on vegging all weekend.
yes, my landlords suck balls and the lack of decency is disturbing to me....thats a whole other topic i could expand on........later
yes, i need to stop and catch my breath........................................being a grown up sucks!

Guys Rules!

Guys' RulesAt last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story.We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.1. Crying is blackmail.1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:Subtle hints do not work!Strong hints do not work!Obvious hints do not work!Just say it!1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.Don't ask us.1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.1. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing,"we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is! just not worth the hassle.1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine ... Really.1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as sports, the weather, or hunting.1. You have enough clothes.1. You have too many shoes.1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

ECHOOOOO

hey! doesnt anyone worry bout me??? lol, i tried posting a few days ago and the stupid page was taking waaaaay more time to load than i had patience. so here i am....

im a little surprised that no members of the ratpack have previously posted on the halloween party we had. needless to say it went off without a hitch....well there was an invite for a hitch but more on that later. ;) everyone showed up that was invited and the costumes were great. we made our way to the haunted house but freezing in line for an hour and an inoportune call of nature sent us back home just b4 the door. there were a few displays of stupid human tricks and many shots taken. pictures r still being processed.....i went to wally world to get them done today and the one hour photo was down. im not too pissed cause im getting free double prints out of the deal. :D and the little love connection i set up has worked out wonderfully. (go me!)

speakin of....i am inducting a new member to the rat pack. my friend L from work. ill have to get her email so i can make her a contributor on here.

theres plans for the traditional T-day dinner with our group. should b a good time. i love havin my friends over to just hang out with each other. :) the x didnt bring my stuff back in october, the new plan is for thanksgiving. any takers on how long i can hold my breath?? lol

work is work. i swear this time i will not sign up for any more 12hr shifts. i swear it. (yeah right, can we say holidays?) has anyone ever tried to put a condom on a soft penis?? its EXTREMELY difficult, especially when a resident keeps grabbing at ur hands and wrists. and no i wasnt doing anything dirty to an old man!! its called a texas catheter, or a condom catheter. yeah, condom on penis attatched to a drain hose to empty into a catheter bag. NOT FUN. ugh. what IS the fascination with grabbing urself? seriously. i promise it wont randomly fall off or walk away. it might b a magic stick........but its not that damn magical!

.....And Stick It Up Your Ass!!!!!!!!

So, I work in an automotive parts store, which company polices prevent me from saying the name of. Oh well. Anyways, today I'm helping a customer over the phone. He decides he'd like to purchase the new clutch for his car. He then proceeds to ramble off a series of numbers. I intrupt him to ask what the numbers are for. He tells me he is paying by credit card over the phone. I tell the dipshit that it's against company policy to do that, and if he'd like to come in and pay for it, I'd have the papers ready. He then tells me to "stick that clutch, up your ass!" then hangs up. So the point of this isn't to vent about some less than civil customer. I simply want to know what, in a fit of rage have you been told to stick up your ass? Or hell, what have you told other people to stick up theirs?

Friends!

1. I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when
I am with you..
2. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make
you cry.
3. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,
doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
4. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
5. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them
knowing you can't have them.
6. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.
7. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
8. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste
their time on you.
9. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the
right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.
10. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.
11. There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to
do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next
time around.
12. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try
and know someone else and expect them to know you.
13. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them
to.
REMEMBER: WHATEVER HAPPENS, HAPPENS FOR A REASON.
True friends: How many people actually have 8 true friends?
Hardly anyone I know ! But some of us have all right friends and good friends!!!

Puppy Love!

Awwww, puppy love! Isn't it so cute! Well, kinda. I am putting a twist on some things. Have you ever noticed that sex with someone new is like having a new puppy? Well, it is. Let me show you. At first they are all cuddlely and affectionate and want to give you kisses and occassionally they get so excited they wet with just seeing you. They follow you around with their head held high and their tails wagonin'. You have to start training them and giving them treats for good behavior and wetting outside. Then they get to the age where they come into their first "heat". Now we're talkin. Thats right SEX. They wanna hump you everywhere. They don't care where at, they will hump you in every room of the house, and they don't care who is around. After kicking them off your leg a few times they finally get the hint, NO, I am not in the mood and not now. They still continue to be on their best behavior going outside and rollin over so you will pet their stomachs. Then by the time they are in their next "heat" they remember how it was the last time they were in "heat". They keep it cool, while you are around because they don't wanna get yelled at. However, when you are going to the bathroom or simply running to the store and come back, you find that they are either humping one of your friends or your sister. At this time you are incredibly pissed off and you deside to either get rid of them or lay the ground rules for them to follow. Those are NO HUMPING OTHER PEOPLE! They seem to take their punishment and go hide for awhile. While their in hiding and ashamed to come around for just a short while you call the VET! Thats right, nuetered! You want to make sure that the pup don't do this again. So you make the appointment and kiss you puppies ass until the day of the appointment. Now, you tell them that they are going for a car ride, which all pupies love, then you arrive. They wonder what the fuck they are doing here and try to fight getting out of the car. You come back a few days later and pick them up. They hate your guts for a little while but they get over after some good narcotics. After they are better they decide not to fight it anymore and become your lifes best friend. They sleep on their side of the bed and are especially sure that they stay on their best behavior because they don't what to sleep outside or be put to sleep. They make sure to wake you when they need to pee and when they need food and water. They put their heads down when you are yelling and generally agree to disagree unless they know they are right and ruin you favorite pair of shoes. By this time you both have each other on a time table. Occassionally you get a lick in the face to show that they still care and they fetch your paper and bring it to you in the bathroom. Eventually, they get old develope caterax in both eyes and go blind and deaf. By this time they are getting ready to die and you catter to their every need. You feel guilty for leaving them at home so many nights while you were out partying and doing other things and wish that you could have that time back to spend with your pup. You had promised yourself that you would never be so selfish if you had it to do over again. They die, you cry and you tell yourself you will survive and move on. While you are in the store picking up new shoes to replace the old ones that were ruined by your decessed pup you notice all the dogs around you and suddenly have that alone feeling again. You know that their are so many that need good homes but they don't listen and they were never trained and they will just ruin everything. You just can't teach an old dog new tricks. Sadly you leave the store and make your way to the parking lot. As you wipe your eyes you notice a sign on the building across the street that says puppies for sale and a cute little puppy in the window wagoning its tail with a tag on its collar reading Patch!

TIMES UP!

i feel like ive bailed on u guys out there....i havent. ive been planning birthday stuff for tim. well not really planning it, but gettin it organized and it has monopolized most of my time lately. not to mention havin the halloween party the same day has me doin double duty. it will b a good time.......

chica FINALLY got to start workin at the facility. i thought i would b training her but instead shes training with a dipshit. oh well, then i dont have the responsibility. however, it concerns me that she is training with a dipshit on days and i am the one that referred her and well.....u know how it goes. ugh. ill have to ask her when i c her saturday if her second day of orientation went better than the first. lol.

the x called me the other nite....wanted to know if i had messed with an online account of his. ughhhh no. supposedly he'll b back in town in a couple of weeks and bringing my moms stuff. pfft, riiiiiiiight. ill believe it when i c it. i also told him he needs to pay that fuckin parking ticket he got over a year ago. yeah ur reading that correctly....OVER A YEAR AGO. he said he would b4 he takes off for the desert....hmm, if u havent paid it thus far what makes him think i believe he'll pay it now??? dont know, maybe he thinks im gullible. HA!

i sampled 2 more of tims cds....drowning pool, which has that song bodies. i already had that burned onto a different cd of mine. like 'em. then i listened to adema, edema, w/e. they're aight, i could put them into my cd rotation. im still stickin with metallica and bls though....just angry enough to satisfy the urge to want to cause physical harm to someone. ;) oh! i listened to the eminem cd with mosh on it...there is this bit on there about michael jackson. OMG, i laughed my ass off!! its the little things...............

i had called my bro a few days ago. just got a call back today, thank god or i was gonna start stakin out his place. we had a good conversation that i dont care to share on here. all im gonna say is that sometimes knowing what hes goin thru or been thru--good or bad--effects me soo much that i can only assume its similar to what a mother feels or a father feels for their child. if this is how it is to b a parent i dont know if i can emotionally handle it. its over whelming. know what i mean???

i had a funny story to share about work involving me running in circles chasing this resident to put a band aid on their finger. ofcourse they asked for "tape" to put on, i wasnt just randomly putting band aids on residents! silly! but upon starting to relay the story it just didnt sound funny. its one of those "u had to b there" things, and no it doesnt require a sick sense of nursing home humor either. just one of those things. soooo with that said, im outta here and off to bed, busy day tomorrow. ;)

hope everyone has a howling good weekend! mmmhahahaha >:)

To Good Not To Post!

Girl Poem A poem for us.... I shave my legs,I sit down to pee. And I can justifyany shopping spree. Don't go to a barber,but a beauty salon. I can get a massagewithout a hard-on. I can balance the checkbook,I can pump my own gas. Can talk to my friends,about the size of my ass. My beauty's a masterpiece,and yes, it takes long. At least I can admit,to others when I'm wrong. I don't drive in circles,at any cost. And I don't have a problem,admitting I'm lost. I never forget,an important date. You just gotta deal with it,I'm usually late. I don't watch movies,with lots of gore. Don't need instant replay,to remember the score. I won't lose my hair,I don't get jock itch. And just cause I'm assertive,Don't call me a bitch. Don't say to your friends,Oh yeah, I can get her. In your dreams, my dear,I can do better! Flowers are okay,But jewelry's best. Look at me you idiot... Not at my chest???? I don't have a problem,With Expressing my feelings. I know when you're lying,You look at the ceiling. DON'T call me a GIRL,a BABE or a CHICK. I am a WOMAN. Get it?, you DICK!?!

Snowballing!

Have you ever had those weeks where if feels like glass is shattering all around you? First, my Jeep takes a shit. When things go wrong I figure I can always turn to a family member to help me out. I went to my mom. I get bitched at up one side and down the other. All the sudden its an appropriate time to throw all of my faults in my face. The, like quick sand, I sink rapidly into a depressive state. If that don't make things worse. The rest of my family feels the need to do the same shit. Sometimes it feels like I can trust anyone, not even my own family. I hate thinking that way but nothing I try to keep secret or just between me and another person stays that way. Now, with my Jeep taking a shit, its been really difficult to go back and forth to a job. So there for, I have no money. Which sucks. I really do like a vacation but I hate sitting on my ass and doing nothing. Especially for as long as I have. I had asked my mom to help me out and she, after making me feel like a piece of shit, decides to call a friend who would have a possible vehical that I could get. Which was a little bit of sunshine in the rain. I am still waiting to see the car. My mom is also coming through for me to help with the international dinner at my church. Which I greatly appreciate. So, all in all things are slowly coming together with a consistant reminder of all the bad decisions that I have made in my life time.

Yesterday, was a good time to realize that I needed to see the eye doctor. My contacts are to fucking old. There is a sign and my glasses are tring to fall apart. DAMNIT! So , now, when I get my vehical, so I can go to work, I need to hussle to pay rent for november and also save for an eye exam. WTF! I hate this shit, I really do. All I do is sit and cry and try to figure out away to make things better for myself. I have been tring to work on that. I paid my Jeep off, which I thought I was gonna be cool and then be ahead. Not, that obviously didn't happen. I have been going to church religiously trying to seek out myself through the lord. I have been trying to change little by little to correct the mistakes I have made in my life by taking different steps in the future. Oh and lets not forget that I am in college tring to make it so that I won't have to, hopefully, be in a situation like things again.

So now that everyone is reading my venting rampage. I have a question. Is it a good idea to work a fulltime job + go to school fulltime + work a parttime job? This is why this question. I work, this new job, a fulltime position I also go to college fulltime. Now, my mom a few other members of the family thinks that I should also be working another parttime position. What do you think? Am I wrong for not wanting to do so? Is it to much that she is asking? What? I am just so over whelmed. Pray for me or something. Lord know that I am trying and I know this. Rome wasn't built in a day and I can't very well fix all my problems and mishapes in a day either. I am human. I have faults and I will admit too them.

Story time and other crap

So, I get the hint. Let's see where do I begin, ah yes, the beginning:

It was one of those days, the fog just never seems to lift. The fog I'm refering to is the thick gray kind that hangs deep in your eyelids and makes your world seem slow and cumbersome. We, being my sweethart and I, have begun the day and her mood has been at a steady decline, till she asked me to get her a coffee. For future referrence, coffee for her, is a 20oz french vanilla cappucino. She begins to beg me for a coffee, relentlessy obsessing on how she needs this cup of coffee. And, after no small amount of saying, "no" I grab my keys and head to the store. Upon return of my perlious journey to speedway, she gives me a look. A look as if to say, "I have once again gotten you to do my biddings." So, I hold this most sacred cup of coffee at arms length, threatening to drink it myself. Unless, of course, the price has been paid. No, I do not want my 67cents back, I want something much more significant. I want a kiss. So as she leans forward, lips pursed tightly, hand reaching for the holiest of coffee grails which I possess. I recieve my kiss, and a couple extras too boot. And finally as smile dances across her lips, as much from me as the coffee, I am sure. I alert her to the fact that she has just whored herself out to me for 67cents worth of coffee. That she is now, like it or not, officially a COFFEE WHORE!


Yeah, kids. wasn't that fun? I thought so. now it's time for other crap, which in all honesty is just an answer to darcy. I just didn't feel like making a comment on one post and the creating another, so everybody else gets the joy of this to. Yes, I figure on some video game playing. don't worry about bringing any games, I have enough to keep us occupied. see, isn't other crap fun. I could just keep typing all fuckin night, puting all sorts of useless info into cyberspace. or rambling on all out of control in shit, talking about a who fucked whom and what carzy ass hair brained plan I got comin out next, But, I rather keep you all waiting! Bitches.

OH THE DAYS

my weekends off r the only 2 days off in a row i get and it feels like its not enough!! it goes by too quickly, but im super happy that there was sunshine! yay! :D i listened to black label society...i like it. i also listened to chevelle. not too impressed with them although there is a couple of songs i did like. c, i have this idea of what metal should b--hard, fast, angry. chevelle seemed slow and depressing which is not what i was in the mood for. "im angry. im in a funk. damn it!" okay im not really angry but the funk is true. and when ur in a funk who the hell wants to listen to depressing music??? not i. anyhooooo............

the halloween party is fast approaching. as previously posted im excited. ive got everything i need now except the cooler and the liquor. i cant make up my mind as to what drink ill b having that nite. any ideas??? definitely no beer so dont even suggest it. it has to b something that i can tolerate drinking ALL nite long. maybe something that i can mix with a couple of different things? i dont know but really im open to ideas. the fast approach of the party also means the approach of tims birthday.....considering its the same day!! i started out not havin any ideas and now im bombarded with ideas. its making my head hurt trying to decide which thing to do. what would u guys want or do for a bday??? (and dont say bday sex, thats a given)

this upcoming thursday we're goin to get pumpkins to carve. i love jack o lanterns! this year i want to try to carve one of those intricate patterns. they look sooo cool, but my friend told me that u have to have a special tool to do that. maybe ill have to buy a kit to get the tool. im also gonna try a new recipe for toasting the pumpkin seeds. it has cumin and cayenne pepper in it, mmm. u have ur pumpkins ready??? its really juvenile but i have the urge to go tp someone for halloween too. i havent done that in years and the thought is very tempting. i have the perfect person in mind too! hehehe >:) no, its not my x even though most of my evil plots include him. (i know, whatta surprise. c i told u im in a funk!)

we had a scrub truck come to work and i spent 40 bucks on 2 new tops. yikes! thank god they take it out of 4 paychecks. im just gonna stick to buying scrubs online. its so much cheaper. also i have recently gained a new nickname.....coffee whore. lol. ill have to let tim explain that one to ya. (yep, thats a hint to post) i think thats it. if anything else comes to mind ill ramble some more. ;)

YAKKITY YAK, DONT TALK BACK

never fear i am still here!! ive had the "blahs" cause im SICK of c'ing the clouds. im keeping my fingers crossed that the weatherman was right about sunshine this weekend. hmmm maybe i should look into some heat lamps or something to compensate??

anyhooo....i wanted to apologize for my last post. it was a bit tense and emotional, not the usual stuff i write about. however the need was there and it was also a need to put it on here. still cant figure that one out but what the hell. while i understand that w/e i post on here is up for public scrutiny, it really wasnt meant for open interpretation or comments. thanks to all those that saw that. ;)

secondly id like to make mention of a certain friend of chica's. information has been passed along to me that said person thinks im a bitch. hahaha (try to dispute it assmunch, ive got it in writing!) seems that when i confronted said person about a certain situation that i hurt their feelings. hmm, maybe not hurt...more like offended?? thing is, i dont sugar coat shit. if ive got a question i fuckin ask. if i have something to say i say it. if ur being a fucktard then im gonna call u out on it. whatever u know. im not shy and i really dont give a rats ass what anyone outside my bubble thinks of me. bottom line---if it makes me a bitch then i guess im a bitch.

i have a few updates for y'all.....
1. i dropped chicas name at work and she now has a new job at my facility.
2. tim and i finished the spare bedroom on monday. asian style.
3. p caught another worker in bed with a resident. no nakey time but still a no no. when p talked to the resident they admittted that they were indeed having sex with said worker.
4. i cant wait for the halloween party!!
5. ive started to test-listen to some of tim's cds today. ill keep u posted. today i listened to metallica. tomorrow im thinking black label society.
6. one of my wisdom teeth is KILLING ME!! owie owie owie
7. i have another list in the works, when i get the kinks out ill post it.
8. state guys r STILL nite paving on that major route. the other nite comin home from work the intersection i turn at was in the middle of the 2 flaggers and there sat the fuckin trooper in his car. i just guessed when to turn and what lane to go in......thank god i was with the flow of traffic, however i missed the lane and had to swerve a couple of cones to get on the right path. ugh. i was sooo pissed.
9. im really tired of chica waking me up in the morning. *remember the coffee damn it!
10. looking forward to my days off, i have to thoroughly enjoy them since i volunteered to work xtra hours the upcoming week. am i glutton for punishment or what?? hehe

ramble ramble

Ok now everyone kiss and make out... just not in front of me. LOL. I meant make up... i think. It's just life is never as easy as you think, but if ou work on things even just a little and actually try to enjoy getting to know each other in this new way. People change constantly but many people refuse to admit it. They think that it's weird when someone changes, but honestly it's beautiful. I think that the most important thing to do is learn what you need to say to the other person. Learning whether or not to hug and cuddle or justgive someone space is the hardest thing to learn. We are all justso different and most people's first instinct is to want to help. I usually just ask becauseif i ask once and get a yes then i will be more likely to ask again when the same situation occurs but if i get a no then i probably will just think they need time.
oh and i hear that the arty at myhouse while i was away was interesting. Seems we will have a long talk when i get home cause I am the one that has to fix everything.

forgive and regret

I know I haven't been easy to get along with. I've been looking for things to fight about. I have some deep underlining issues, that I have heaped upon you unjustly. I love you. I want the whole world to know that you make me happy. I really have turned away the one person I care about, and I'm sorry. A million times over, I'm sorry. You have never done anything to betray me and I have closed you out. We both had thses grand ideas that because we have known each other for so long that this would be easy. We were both wrong. I wouldn't trade this, or you for anything. I have my bad days too. Thats what I'm dealing with now. I constanly want to know what can I do? But you always tell me nothing, well, I need to get my own head straight. There is nothing that you can or have done to justify my actions. I have simply been a dick. I'm sorry I have hurt you. I'll do what ever I need to do, to make this right. You make happy. The simple thought of coming home to you makes me happy. I blew this round big time. I only hope you'll accept my apologizes. I am sorry.

TO U FROM ME

everything is easier said than done. i tell u to have faith and to trust in me. pfft. how simple huh? i have a bad day and within that 24hrs i gave u enough suspicion to lose all faith and trust. it sucks doesnt seem to b sufficient for how i feel about that loss. i read ur journal, i know ur having doubts, serious doubts. i felt an ache within me after those words flitted across the page. im always preaching that trust is the foundation in any relationship......i dont know how to repair the damage. can i even? i try and try and it feels like im fighting a losing battle. as soon as i gain ground on one front i get ambushed on another. is that just my perception or is it the truth? u tell me. this isnt about what issues i have or dont have, u know my history. all i want to say is that faith and trust doesnt come easy for me either.

i truly wish that i could make u happy or even happier. i am a simple girl and it really doesnt take much for me to b tickled. i learned long ago to pick and choose my battles carefully.....thus i dont have the fight in me to nit-pick the little things. yes, little things can become big things but those little things should b about the bigger picture. respect. honesty. comittment. etc. u talk to me about what u need from me and it feels like everything i am doing is all wrong. its not enough. what is enough? will it ever b enough or is that pedestal making a reappearance? im not fond of heights u know. what a let down.

i had this idea that being with u would b so simple and easy. it would b like what i always felt it should b like. it would b beautiful. its complicated and difficult. and constantly feeling like ur not fulfilled is draining me. "y try, nothing has worked so far." know what i mean? i am incredibly sad. im not sure if its disappointment that the connection between us isnt as strong as i thought and its taking more effort. or i thought that i knew u so well and im having to face that i dont. or u cant just b with me in the simplest, purest way and enjoy that. it seems to always b something. i feel like a failure for not getting it right.

truly i am heartbroken that one bad day ruined things. i kinda wish that if i knew what the aftermath was goin to b that i had done something genuinely bad to warrant the new feelings ur having. at least then it would b easier to justify to myself, although i do understand where ur coming from.....when u loose trust u loose trust. i fully accept the responsibility of my actions. i am sorry.

THIS IS ABOUT U!!

some ppl r just fuckin dense u know. i try to give my guidance, show my concern when a loved one is headed for a tangent....but do they pick up on this? HELL NO. ugh. its not that i want to b mother hen, believe me i dont want that responsiblity. im just tryin to watch out for the downward spiral i foresee them taking. the thing about guidance, advice, concern is that it does nothing unless the person ur trying to "help" wants to hear it. i keep tellin myself this b/c the more times i c this person do the same fuckin thing over and over the more it pisses me off. im not responsible for their actions or the consequences their actions reap.....and still i press on. i heard once that crazy means behaving the same way but expecting a different result each time. im beginning to wonder about this person, really i am. maybe i should b wondering about myself b/c i keep throwing signs out there hoping for a different result and getting the same damn thing everytime. ugh. what a cycle!!

FYI: chica--the previous post isnt anything personal to me other than me being a friend to the person involved. maybe u should think about any events lately that might inspire such an outburst from me......................

it was pointed out to me the other day that i seem to b "negative" (although that wasnt the word used) when i post on here. my response was that no one wants to hear about me lounging in my pjs watching gilmore girls all day drinking tons of coffee. any takers for that??? c'mon its real excitement!?!? anyhoo heres some sunshine out ur ass....im goin shoppin tomorrow with my friend angie. i have a mission, well technically 2---1. buy what im goin out of town for 2. find those damn MEGA M&Ms!!! has anyone seen those yet???? if so, pls give me a store name. enough with the public service announcement already! aight, well its all sunshine, ribbons n curls, sugar n spice, fuckin peachy here. :D more later.

FICK DU!

I agree with Tasha! However, I do believe there are a lot of shady ppl who are far from being honest when it comes to playin. Example, don't tell a person that you want more if your intentions are not so. Straight up tell a person that this is what you are looking for and leave it at that. Make sure everyone involved are cool with just causal sex. If you know that someones intentions are different from yours then move on. No need to be something you are not becuase lets face it, that causes drama. Unwanted drama. I have gotten pissed before but I was also lied too about what the intentions where. That shit, I don't know about you, pisses me off. Make it cut and dry ppl and wrap it up if you do. For those who like to play fuckin mind games FICK DU!

FULL MOON RISIN'

so u may have heard ur gma say that the crazies come out when its a full moon. ? yeah. im pretty sure there hasnt been a full moon lately but i hear that theres a crazy bitch on the loose. lol no, this has nothing to do with work.....those crazies just get worse. ;) im wondering what makes a chic get all obsessive when shes fucked a guy. ofcourse im not talkin about the guys u fuck when ur in a relationship---thats a different kind of crazy and a different kind of obsessive. hehe. im talkin about the chics that say they can handle casual sex and then its a whole other ballgame after the fact. wtf gives??? y is it that guys can sow wild oats like theres gonna b a famine and think nothin of it......but chics, its like a contract is made and holy fuck if he doesnt call or come around again. uve heard me preach b4 that a woman out to get hers when she wants it is fine. more power to ya. uve heard me rant about how if a guy can b promiscuous(sp) then a chic should b able to too without the labels. but damn! there r consequences to havin casual sex--not just stds, aids, pregnancy. consequences r as such: u act like a ho u get treated like a ho. the definition of casual sex is just that. NO STRINGS ATTATCHED. NO COMITTMENT. NO PRESSURE. NO NEED TO EVER CALL OR COME AROUND AGAIN. NO EMOTIONS. my dear, if u cant keep urself from turnin into the trippy bitch after a lil play then QUIT FUCKIN PLAYIN!!! its that simple.

I SEE THE LIGHT!!

wow im fuckin cold. its freezing up here in the office....i thought heat rises. liars!! i got the chance to talk to chica on wednesday. (my phone bill is gonna b high, lol) we talked about the signs and signals guys and girls give each other. b it sexual enuendos, or a hint at what kind of mood we're in, or what we'd really like to have, etc. i can only give u my female perspective obviously. id like to think that there r just a handful of moods that guys need to b worried about. happy isnt bad u know! for me theres asshole days, sad, depressed, pissed, quiet.

"asshole days"-now that means that anything or anyone can set me off. when im in a mood like this im generally super sarcastic and relatively mean spirited. good sign to get away from me unless ur a glutton for punishment.
sad/depressed/quiet- if u ask me if something is wrong and i say nothing pls leave it at that. when im ready to talk believe me i will, sometimes its better to take the time to put ur thoughts together instead of spewing off at the mouth. this goes for being pissed too.

i know its hard for u guys to know whether or not we want to b left alone or should u do something. u must read body language. if my arms and legs r crossed, if i leave the room when u enter it or make myself busy while ur around, if it appears that im being stand offish good idea to stay a healthy distance away. take it upon urself to decide what is safe...b it a rooms distance away or a trip to wally world away. on the other hand if im doin the opposite--arms and legs not crossed, stickin around, not stand offish, talking some--it would b okay to ask do u need a hug? or is there anything i can do? but it is NOT okay to b super cuddly, needy or try to get laid. less is more in these cases if uve gotten the signs to b around.

now sexual enuendos-this one is tough cause not all chics r the same. for me, if im being much more touchy feely odds r i could easily b persuaded to go to bed. (touchy feely=grabbing ur ass more, a lil playful spanking, kissing the back of the neck, u get the idea) if i do something out of the norm...ie jump in the shower while ur in there, go to bed half dressed or naked, go panty-less. u know, out of the norm. my eyes tend to sparkle a bit more, but thats a hard one cause if im happy they do it too. i think that one is tough to decipher. i bite my lower lip, but u have to watch for it. there is the blatant statement of "lets fuck" but that tends to b a turn off comin from a guy, chics can get away with it. ;) the kisses i give will b a lil different. those r the main ones, at least all that im gonna share about me on here.

so what about u guys?? any tell tale signs to help us chics out??? :D

Thank u Thank u THANK U!!!

After reading Tasha's post I must admit I was a little upset. I scrolled through the posts and noticed that the post I had made the day that I had posted about my ex's comment wasn't there. I am not sure why. It was a thank u to my ratpack for the bday wishes. I think that when I got booted it didn't save. So I am sorry ya'll didn't get to see it. So, again, THANK U guys for caring so much. I appreciate it. Love Ya! Now, for the second issue. I did say those around me would know my big secret. You are right. You are included, however, I did't want the rest of the world to know, right now. I would prefer to tell you in person and not online. So please don't be offended.I just haven't seen ya'll to tell ya personally but you will know. Thank you for the edit. I did respond and I am glad you caught that. I was getting a little pissed reading that until I saw the edit at the buttom.

Ok, so now that I have made up for the lack there of, hopefully, school is going fine. I have another quiz today and I am a little nervous about that but its cool. I am going to study for the quiz too.

Now for the disappointment. My sister has decided to make her best friend her maid of honor. Some members of my family was really surprised that water was running thicker than blood when she had made the choice. Meaning, they didn't agree with her but we have all come to the conclusion that it is HER DAY and we are happy for her. So we all just go with it. I must say that I am hurt though. I would never tell her that though. Even though its a deep wound.

OH THE RAIN

disclaimer: yeah im gonna b mean, and unfortunately today is chicas day.

im feeling a little perturbed. well, perturbed isnt the right word....more like raining on someones parade. yes i know thats mean and quite possibly demented, but they say that its good to let ur feelings out. lmao. id like to begin this rain storm by referring to chica's previous post. she made mention of havin a new project but only those around her would know for the time being. im pretty sure that her new project involves GETTING BAPTIZED/SAVED. if im wrong, im wrong but hopefully i hit the nail on the head. mmmhahaha. now i feel like i have spoiled the "surprise" however being saved isnt a "dirty little secret". and im offended that "only those around me" could know....like wtf? now to the thunder....i am pissed, yes more than perturbed or just wanting to rain on someones parade, that hoochie mama and i wished chica a happy birthday and not so much as a thank u was said. what was said was a fuckin thank u to the fuckin dicksmack u dated. and not just a comment but a seperate post. hmmm i know theres differences between u and hoochie mama, but acknowledging our bday wishes to u just seems a tad more important and respectful than the fuckin x. thats just me. then i post about halloween plans and u blow on about gettin a new fuckin tattoo without once givin me a response to the idea. not even an offline message! i take that back, u left an offline but u only told me about ur days off. what the fuck gives? i know ur busy and uve made new friends...good for u, but that doesnt mean i will tolerate a fuckin lack of courtesy. u wanna b involved in the ratpack then b INVOLVED....

EDIT: on closer inspection, i found a comment that chica left concerning the halloween plans. i retract the statement i made about her not giving me a response. :D hehe

CHICA is getting INKED!!!!!

Thats right people, I am getting a tatoo. On October 7th. Reason why so long is because I am having it drawn to how I want things, $200. So I am excited. I will have to get a picture of it when I get it and show everyone. I am also signed up to take my NET test for nursing. I take that Oct. 5th. Fun fun. I am a little nervous but I know that I can do it. I also have started something new but the only ones who will know about it at first are those who are around me. I will send pictures of that project too. I am going under the water next sunday! I am so nervous about it though but I guess that is to be expected when you are making a step like that. I have 2 quizes today in my chemistry class. My professor sucks and everyone else in my class thinks so too. Oh well. Wish me luck!

THIS N THAT

GOD, FUCKIN SHIT!! i typed this post once, im only gonna try this once more.

the last few days at work have been interesting. a resident had a conjugal visit. supposedly it lasted less than 5 minutes. ive heard of quickies, but DAMN!! a snake got into the lower level. a resident threatened to punch another if they "didnt shut up". one literally cried over spilled juice. we had a new admit weigh in at around 650lbs. (yeah u read that right, 650 pounds) ugh, yeah shit tons of fun!! so glad im off tomorrow.

i watched final destination 2 tonite. it was surprisingly good, lots of gore. hehe it got me to thinkin though.....the plot line consists of cheating deaths design. gives truth to the whole "when its ur time, its ur time". this one got into watching for signs of danger, death, disaster--whatever u want to call it. this is what struck me....how many times have u had a gut feeling about something and listened to it or ignored it?? ive had gut feelings about a route i was taking to go somewhere or the feeling hey i should answer this phone call. i certainly dont think i was defying death--hell ive almost died 3 times, i figure im here for a definite reason. i do think that we get signs of things all the time and we just dont pay attention. that can get into the supernatural, but we wont go there this time. do we need to b on the "look out", no cause things can b misconstrued. maybe just a little more alert?? so weird considering.................

tim and i have HALLOWEEN PLANS in the works. thats right HOOCHIE MAMA and CHICA, so get ahold of me. the idea is to get dressed up, hit a haunted house, come back to our place, have some drinks, watch scary movies/play games, laugh and b merry. THEME is VAMPIRES. again, hit me up for date and time. :)

im a lil pissed that my :) series went without any comments. not so much as a hey thats cute or i really liked this lesson. nothin!! maybe its b/c most of the lessons were true. still i expected a bit more. pfft.

lastly, ive been checkin the stat counter. they have this nifty lil option to tell u about returning visitors. at least half our hits r returning visitors!! yay!! considering in october we will have hit our mark of sharing our lives with u guys for a year id like to say THANKS for tuning in!!

Hey! Guy from Cleveland!

Hey you. I thought you had forgotten about me. I figured I was such a bitch that it wouldn't even matter. Uh? Well, thank you.

:) 3

I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.

:) 2

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.


I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.


I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

:)

As I've Matured...



I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in...



I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.


I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.


I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.


I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.


I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOO ME!!!!!!

Its my birthday! I have had so many ppl email me and call me its so great to have ppl who care in your life.

ROAD RAGE AND JUST PLAIN RAGE, HEHE

have i mentioned that i hate construction?? back in july the county closed down one of the major routes comin into our town for 75 days. culvert work, pfft! during this process they have ofcourse detoured traffic, but i have been taking a route off the beaten path so to say. and wouldnt u know that during this process the route i take ends up having work done a few days as well!! not to mention that once i get into the next town so i can go to work they have that town tore to hell too!! WTF??? god i hate construction. last week they opened up the major route but were still doin some nite paving.....i got stuck behind mom and pop while waiting for the flagger to let us thru and guess what my entertainment was while i sat there for 15minutes?? oh yes.....mom and pop neckin. fuckin lovely. ugh. y does the county do that shit???

i tried to get some xmas shopping done this past weekend. i invited angie with me, she didnt help. in fact i feel like i need to go back and re-do what i already put on layaway. i really didnt get to look around cause she wanted to look at shit and if i walked off she would hunt me down and tell me i needed to tell her when i am walkin off. pfft. again.....wtf?

i watched some movies this past weekend as well. monster in law--ok, not worth owning though. sahara--pretty good, still wouldnt want to own it. alot like love--wanted to hurt myself when it was over. and some kung fu movie with a new "jet lee" type in it--fight scenes were kickass cause he did all his own stunts, some of them were crazy. what happened to the really good movies? u know, they had good plot lines.

i keep staring at this screen hoping to remember the interesting thing i wanted to talk about. figures i shoulda wrote it down when i thought of it earlier!! ugh. im goin to chalk it up to the fact that i worked 12hrs monday and another 8 tonite so that means my brain is FRIED. lol.

i have a new blog to add to my list of reads but i wanna check it out a few more times b4 i add it. its all about dating, relationships, sex, shit from the male point of view, etc. its interesting as much as it is insulting to chics. but i can appreciate the new view. i read an article today on there about "annoying things women do in relationships". the guy that wrote it was complaining that as women when our man asks us if something is wrong we say "nothing". that they rnt soo stupid as to not realize something is wrong so we should just b out with it. i dont know if ive ever done that. ill have to think about it......but my tip if this happens, "nothing" should b taken as a sign that we dont want to talk about it just yet. his other complaint was that when a bf and gf start living together the guys stuff ends up being replaced by girly/foofy foofy shit. (ie...candles, lots of pillows on the bed, stuffed animals) wtf? ur shit gets replaced cause if its old and raggety then its due time. i will admit to the candle thing, but i at least try to coordinate the scents so not to make everyone high.

yep still cant think of it even after all that rambling. gawwwwd. fuck it, ill try tomorrow. :-p

Nothing to kick to ya!

Well, nothing really knew here. I am just working and preparing for classes to start on monday. I stay pretty busy and work is overwhelming as hell. Today 2 of my aides called of work. We ended up working 3-3 and a float. Now that means, about 15 residents per aide. It really fucking sucked. It seemed like everyone had the shits and everyone became call light happy. It was a fucking joke. The day is over though and I am over it.

Did I mention that I had made dinner the other night for my neighbors and I? It was so nice and anyone who thought that I couldn't cook go and talk to my neighbors. Everyone really enjoyed it. I had made a chicken and other sides. I also took the liberty to buy a bottle of wine. What a nice touch. It was lovely. So now my neighbors have been cooking up a storm. We try to take care of each other. Its nice to know that people have your back through thick and thin.

I am looking forward to my birthday. Really don't know why though. Its just another year older and another year closer to the wooden box. Hell I guess I will have my friends and family and thats all that matters. Love ya guys.

The other day, while at work, the lady I go to church with tells me that the pastors wife and bought me a bible. She went outside on her break and brought it into me. I thought it was very sweet of her to do such a thing. I love going to church and it makes me feel better about myself doing so. I wrote her and thank you note and I will be sure to thank her again tomorrow night at church. God works mircles. I mean that in general. I have been blessed with a lot of things in my life thus far and a lot of good people to share it with. I hope that everyone knows how much I appreciate them and for those who don't, I love ya and I would do anything for ya. Thank you!

SAME OL SAME OL

i havent had any really juicy news lately, nor any drama. i should sooo get a gold star for that one! ;) i saw my bro the other day b4 work, he brought me the cow napkin holder ive been askin him to make for me. ITS SO CUTE!! i told him he shoulda saved it as a christmas present. speakin of, thats been on my mind alot the last few days. i must plan for gift giving this yr seeings how my savings account isnt what it was last yr. (imagine that!?) not to worry i will still have the occd this yr! lol

ive been in the mood to listen to music with metal in it. i say in it cause i cant really stand to listen to ALL screaming and guitars. i had kid rocks first cd playin on the way to work the other day and then it struck me....wtf happened to him? what in the hell would make him go soft. i think its b/c of joe c's death. but when i discussed this with tim he informed me that joe was around for the 2nd cd and it wasnt as good as the first. hmmm, im open to any other suggestions.

also while driving to work i noticed days ago that the auto shop with the lil sign out front had changed their quirky lil saying. it now reads: "what u c depends mainly on what u r looking for" and the other side says "the smallest good deed is better than the grandest good intention" i thought it was pretty thought provoking considering the quips probably come from one of the "genius'" at the auto shop.

thats bout it....just normal work stuff and life stuff. i do have a funny story about work.....the other nite i go in to change a male resident and hes poopy. well i ask p to come hold him over so i can clean him up. (btw, p is my fav nurse) we go in and pull back his attends and hes got shit clear up around his scrotum and penis. she picks up his penis by sorta pinching the skin behind the head and it makes this suction noise when it comes loose from all the shit. ok, so it doesnt sound funny but u have to imagine her using just her forefinger and thumb, kinda prissy like--although shes not squeamish about this sort of thing--and the suction noise, omg i laughed so hard. :D i know........nursing home humor, y'all probably dont get it.

Writing is bliss!

I got another editors award for my poetry. I am so excited about that. I makes me want to keep writing. I feel good about it. I hope to one day have a book of my poetry but for now I will be in a book of many other talented people.

I hate school

This is just like what it sounds like. It's about how wonderful school is going and all. First of all I have to get 96 hours of observation in which is like 6 hours a week but I have to drive to my school which isn't as bad a drive as it could be at only around 20 minutes to a half hour. I have to observe during 2 of the most boring lectures of my life and this is after getting up at 6:30 am. So I am like falling asleep. Then I come tutor for an hour hopefully catching some food in the like 15 minutes i should have... maybe I will eat in the car. Then I have 2 math classes. One with the evil professor's stupid twin and then a calc class to help me brush up on my calc..... or kill me. then a break until i tutor again.... every MW. TR i have to go to one class before i tutor and then i have nice long breaks so it's like all good. but today being a monday i did the monday thing without the first tutoring thing cause i am like stupid. but then i came back and changed and ate real fast cause i thought it would be nice to rest for a bit. then bck for a stupid class that could have lasted 2.5 hours thank god it didn't. the only fun part of my night was buying alcohol for someone else. And now instead of being able to rest or sleep or play or talk or anything I have to read. I have to fucking read. Thank goodess i get to sleep in tomorrow. no fucking 6:30 for me. This sucks I need a fucking drink. I want a shot of something strong... preferably 151 i wanna see if it might kill me.

World upside down

Tonight I went out with the girls for a short while but it got long quick. An ex my mine showed up, Elmo! Remember him? It sucked. All I wanted to do was cry. He stared at my the whole time. I wanted to throw up. I went in to the bathroom when I had torture long enough. I peed and things like that. When I came out, he was gone. I felt my whole world come crashing down. Its like I sparked an old flame but really what it did was just piss me off more. More at myself than anything. I didn't make things obvious that I was sicken with him being there but we both noticed the other. It was a slap in the face for the both of us. I was so weird. Other than that today, everything went great. I am off tomorrow and then thats it. Classes start on monday. Wish me luck!

THE NERVE

ive had wednesday and thursday off this week. wednesday i pulled weeds for about 2hrs. noooo i havent just let them grow hog wild all summer, thing is the fuckers keep comin back! ;) i alternated between squatting and pulling to standing and pulling and lemme tell ya my hamstrings and ass still hurt!! then i decided to go to walmart to get groceries. im not impressed. maybe its cause they r still getting things set up but i didnt think they had much selection. especially in their meat department, hence i spent 85 bucks and have no frozen meats. ugh. maybe thats y a cashier at krogers said the company isnt afraid of the competition from walmart.

i saw angie on thursday. i spent most of that day just bummin in my pjs. i did draw up the butterfly in memory of my mom though. i cant wait to get it tattooed. i showed her but i dont think she got it, oh well most art is interpretive. she told me though that her cousin seems to think that im "wild enough" to hang out with on a regular basis. all this comin from one nite of hanging with her and angie when it was a girls nite and we were drinkin and bitchin bout men. go figure!! ofcourse when angie gets a drink or two in her she can either go two ways.......emotional or talkative. that nite was talkative and she was sharing stories about her and me which im sure didnt help. ive pretty much had most ppl get that impression of me---of being wild. thing is, im not. but i do have an open mind and as long as everyone is safe i dont really care. i do what i want, when and with who i want. period. i dont think of that as being wild or out of control. opinions r like assholes everyones got one. what really made me laugh though was when angie told me that her cousin wanted to ask out tim, and that her cousin even went as far as to tell angies mom that after a second thought tim just wasnt right for her. LMAO. angie says she only said that b/c she only wanted to screw him. interesting. first of all her cousin doesnt know tim AT ALL. literally. second of all there is an unspoken rule among women that u dont date or fuck around with ur girlfriends xs. guess that rule wouldnt apply here since im not friends with her cousin......but still. there is that six degrees of seperation thing goin on in which case i think the rule would apply. thats just me. i told angie that if her cousin thinks shes got something tim would like to go for it cause i know where his hearts at and i would really like to c her make an ass of herself. (dont get mad at me, u know karmas a bitch) angie advised me against it otherwise her cousin would str8 up ask him to screw....which i think wouldve made an even better scenario for makin an ass of herself but i didnt tell angie that. so anyways......im not pissed, just humored and in awe of how some ppl act. itll b interesting the next time im out to angies and she shows up. hmmm, will i behave or shall i say something??? i dont know, the wild side might come out. LOL.

thats bout it for me. im workin this weekend, off on monday but ill end up runnin to krogers to get what i didnt at walmart. maybe angie wont b workin and we can go to the jcpenny outlet mall. i want to go to look at scrubs, but i just ordered a couple off the internet.....maybe ill wait til next payday. anyhoo.....hope y'all r enjoying the weekend!! :D ciao

mmmmm....sand-wich

There are times when I can just feel myself slipping... and I scramble to hold on because I hate what happens when I just fall all the way down. But no matter what I slip and there is nothing that changes that. It's like getting yourself in quicksand, you move a lot or you don't do anything and either way you sink. Sometimes you stay still and hope that someone comes along and helps you out, sometimes you thrash around trying to help yourself and sometimes you just give up and get pulled under.
Somehow I have to get motivated to do stuff but all I wanna do is just get out of the fucking quicksand and I can't because ain't no one going to come along to help me and I can't find anyway to get out my fucking self.

DATE FUNNIES :)

i must say that one of the things i enjoy is reading blogs. i find it relaxing, i get to laugh and sometimes it lets me know that im not the only one with fucked up stuff goin on. ;) i read this guys blog who tells stories about his dating life. but its not normal stuff, its the crazy shit that happens. and it got me to thinkin that i have had some "interesting" dates b4 myself. like the time i met this guy off the internet who refused to give me a pic, but oh well. its not that he was ugly per se but he was extremely cocky. he shows up for our date in khakis, button up shirt and tie....driving some fancy car with dealer tags on it. now the game plan was to go to magic mountain so i wasnt dressed quite like him. but the funny thing was, was that when we got in the car to leave he couldnt get it in gear....literally. he stood outside pushing on the car and talkin on his cell phone tryin to get instructions on how to fix the problem. at the end of the date he proceeded to tell me that i had an attitude. lmao. not my problem if u act like ur shit doesnt stink and then u fail to walk the walk. i have a few more stories but i wanna know about ur dating mishaps!!

My happy, emotional day!

I have great news! My sister's boyfriend has asked her to marry him. My little sister is getting married. Even though I am so happy for her I am so sad. I remember that when we were younger I would tell everyone that she was my baby. HA! I have been so upset and crying today because I just don't seem right. She is my little sister. She isn't supposed to be all grown up and be getting married. I can't help but think what I have done wrong to not have the chance to be in her shoes. It mustn't be my time. I just thought that I would be married before her and I would play the big sister role and be able to help pave the way. I have been crying all day. I want to play barbie's with her again and play dress up. I want her to be that little monkey that would just cling to you. I want to play " verum verum" with her again! I know that sounds funny. My sister and I would lay on our backs and put our feet together and act like we were pushing petels down on a race car and we would pretend we were racing. We could do that for hours. Oh well. I guess its silly but its still my baby, my friend, my sister. Congrats!

ASSHOLE DAYS....

i have this incredible urge to write and let out all the icky stuff ive been feeling the last few days or months, w/e. time frame is irrelevant. i should only write this stuff in my bedside journal and yet i still feel the urge to post it on here. i dont know what gives, but then again i havent been feelin myself lately. ive been feeling "wishy-washy", u know undecisive and confused alot. normally i am NOT like that at all. i think some of my skeletons r trying like hell to escape from the closet. unfortunately i cant deal with them just yet b/c of the very situation that caused them. ie---i still havent grieved over my mom b/c her estate isnt settled. thats just one skeleton though.........im not sure what my issue is exactly. its a bunch of stuff. its having a guy that has idealized me to the point he doesnt truly c me for me. its ppl having expectations of me that rnt realistic. its not being able to get my moms stuff back from my x. its feeling like im losing my independence. its not spending enough time with my girlfriends doin our thing. its feeling like i have the responsibility of too many things and ppl. its not knowing whether or not i want to play house. its wanting a guy but only when i want a guy around. its wanting to quit but not wanting to quit. its wanting my cake and eat it too. its 50 things pulling me in all directions. its talking too much. its feeling too much. its wondering y in the fuck cant i just get on with it or over it or anything with it. its y do i feel like the crazy one? its y do i do this, get this way. its y cant someone fuckin relate? y cant things just b normal? its god make my brain stop racing. ........u get the point. i feel a little better just putting it in writing. all the talkin ive done lately helped at that moment but ultimately exhausted me more. im tired of talking things out. i just dont want to deal with it anymore....and its not good to ignore the issue(s) but damn im sick of being in this mood. i just want to let the mood pass now.....so much for wanting huh???

Nothing New

Well, there is nothing new going on here. Work is work and school is approaching quickly. However, I can't wait for it to start. I think my friend from Germany will be coming to see me next year and I can't wait to see him. We talk often and we have discussed him coming. So we will see. The only thing coming up to really brag about at this point is my birthday on the 22nd of September. I can't wait. I will be 22 and I have to work and have class on that day. What fuckin luck. Anyway, I have decided to go to church twice a week instead of once. I feel much better when I go and I have a sence of pride. Oh, I almost forgot. Tasha, remember what we had talked about when I was there? I go Friday. Wish me luck. The rest of you will know what and when afterwards. I think anyway! Well, the time has come. My lil brother has gotten his permit. Stay off the roads!!! JK! He is a good driver and I wish him the best of luck. Today was his first day of school and I wish him luck. I hope he does well. My sister went on her cruze with her boyfriend on Sunday and she should be back home on Saturday. I can't wait to see her. I miss her. I hope she has a nice time. My grandma should be comin here on the 6th. YEAH! I can't wait. I have the up most respect for her. I love her very much and I am so excited to see her.

school ramblings

Oy I don't know where to begin except that I want to sleep for like 5 years. School started on omnday but last week I was good and went to visit my cooperating teacher on tuesday and saw the first 3 days of classes. The only thing that worries me is that I will be trying to teach in a block and that means that classes last for almost an hour and a half. Even I get bored sitting in class for that long. It is killer. I so hate school. I am going to lower the number of times I go though cause I need like 6 hours a week and right now i am doing like 8. However the nice thing is even though I get up at 6:30 (A.M. for all of you who know me too well) I am done with classes by 2 at the latest. Of course I take myself a nap and then can't sleep at night. Not that I could anyway because we live by 2 sets of train tracks and since it takes me an hour to fall asleep there is no way I can go to sleep without a train coming and scaring me.
So I finally go get a pass so I can park legally and then what do I do? I park where I am not supposed to and I get a ticket. I swear when I have blonde moments they are so fucking blonde you wouldn't believe I could ever be smart.
My math courses are gonna kick my ass and my other teaching course is going to make me do like fifty million things. So if I sound loopy ever, that's why. I just wish I could redo the week before school started so I could drink more. 2 parties in one week.... oh I wish I could afford liquor. Anyway I think that's my cue to go get food and hope that food helps me not fall asleep. Oh yeah I should share this cool thing I learned... if you eat you have energy to do stuff and if you don't then you have no energy and you try to run on air and water and you fail miserably.

BS

well well well....its been awhile! lets c.......y'all read mandys post. just for the record we watched sin city. it was bad ass!!

i also had a bit of a mood problem. for anyone thats ever been married u may b able to relate.....u c even though my x caused me many tears i still believed he was the one. and now being divorced and givin it another go with someone new.....well i felt like i was cheating him out of what i felt with my x just cause i had it in my head that the great one only happens once. even though i am smarter than to believe that its impossible to find someone better. know what i mean??? point is is that i havent been puttin forth much effort cause of this lil stigma and i would probably feel this way forever no matter what til i let my defenses down and start truly believing otherwise. so after much writing, a couple of phone calls, and some time to myself my plan is to spend more time and energy on my new relationship. me worrying about cheating him out of emotions is in itself preventing me from enjoying whats in front of me. duh. lol ----sorry t bout the emotional relapse.

work is work. still low census....which sorta sucks cause that means we get extra days off. sooo if any of y'all r lookin to put granny and pops in a home....... one of my fav nurses keeps havin this lil ol' man hit on her. hes like 90 yrs old!! the other nite he told her that if she was interested in having sex with him to just give him a call. lmao. i told her she has to stop talking to ANY of the resident's family members. can u imagine??? ew!

been having terrible headaches lately. hopefully i can get into the chiropractor later today. tim felt along my spine last nite and theres an actual gap where i have a vertebrae out. yeah, that feels kinda gross.

on a sidenote......as ive been sitting here typing this out i have been hearing a mouse or maybe mice scurrying along inside the wall behind the computer. i clean ALL the time and havin mice and creepy crawly things around makes me feel dirty! (and not in a good way ;) ) guess ill b makin a phone call to the land lord, wish me luck.

Great Stuff!

I got to see Tasha this weekend. It was great. I missed her so much. We had a lot of catching up to do. We talked about the holidays coming up and hopefully we will be going out and doing something for just about all of them like we did the previous year. Oh, and I just thought, it would be our ONE YEAR aniversary in October! HELL YEAH!!!! So, maybe we can get more pictures this year and hopefully show up last year, as far as halloween goes. No deffinate plans yet but we did think that instead of a theme we would just do free for all. Go as what we wanted too. Like I said, it up in the air but I am sure we will keep everyone posted. I am also writing a new story for my site. I let Tasha read the end of Deception and the begining of the new one cleverly entitled Blind Folded Love! Ya'll will have to check it out. We also watched a movie. It was good. I liked it. Different but I liked it. She was having some trouble with her pc then too. I hope she got things worked out. I think I have filled everyone in on the scoop now. If I didn't say everything I am sure Tasha will clue ya'll in.

hoochie mama got to play

So yeah my fling and I had been talkin for a while and we talk some more today. He askes if he can come over... which really should have been cum. For some crazy reason I gave him my address. I must add another first to my list and for some reason I am like embarassed about this one. Actually technically it is like a whole lotta firsts. It was nice to be touched again... but now I smell like him. But I so wanna play again like now...

I LOVE MY RATPACK!!!!

I have to things to say people!!!!!

1.) I LOVE MY RATPACK, nothing like a group of friends that stick together. I don't think their has ever been a closer group of friends. Its like we are all blood related and we all know blood is thicker than water.

2.) When you corner rats, you get attacked. Rats only take so much. Thats like putting a rat underneith a bucket and heating it. If you leave them alone you wouldn't have to worry about the strike but play with fire, well, I will leave you to what happens. Your best bet is to leave with your tail between your legs. You may have to swallow your pride but atleast you will still have a tail.

Thanx guys! Only true friends, open mindedness, and maturity stands above the rest and I am sure everyone knows what happens when you stand above the rest. Just like a bird in the sky, you get shit/pissed on.

GAWWWWD!!!!!!!

cheese n rice ppl!!! heres my take.......
is chicas actions typical of a woman? no
is chicas actions considered to b ladylike and conformed to society? no
can chicas actions b percieved as whore-ish? yes
does that make chica a whore? no
do any of u really know how long its been since chicas last fuck? no
does that make a difference? in this case, yes.
would it matter if she were a guy doin this? yes, then no one would care

too often ppl make things their business that they have no business getting involved in. granted we here in the rat pack post things about our lives that leave u with the power of discretion. that being said, if we post facts about ourselves that we dont really want to feel the ridicule from then stop posting those type of things. secondly, it wouldnt hurt our readers to b a lil more open minded and take into consideration that u may not have the entire story to make ur judgements on. and as always......it is NOT a bad thing for a woman to express herself sexually, to b forthcoming that indeed we do like to have sex and can/will get ours. there is no rule that says women have to b and act a certain way when it comes to sex, thats societys doings. times change and change is good!!

oh yeah and by the way

I am living with a lesbian and the straightest girl ever.... This is going to be a weird year.....

Just so anonymous knows....

Whore-

1. A prostitute.
2. A person considered sexually promiscuous.
3. A person considered as having compromised principles for personal gain.

Tramp-

1. 1. A prostitute.
   2. A person regarded as promiscuous.

Slut-

1. 1. A woman considered sexually promiscuous.
   2. A woman prostitute.

I just wanted to point out that these are all the same so you are being redundant. And that she is not a prostitute and she isn't promiscous, which since I am sure you are a moron...

promiscuous-

1. Having casual sexual relations frequently with different partners; indiscriminate in the choice of sexual partners.
2. Lacking standards of selection; indiscriminate.
3. Casual; random.
4. Consisting of diverse, unrelated parts or individuals.

She may like having sex and she may have sex with more than one person, but she is very picky. And just having sex does not make someone promiscuous or even multiple times. Plus if she were a guy we wouldn't even be having this talk. You would probably fucking congradulate her... errr...him. So therefore she isn't promiscuous and thus not a tramp slut or whore. So now if you would stop and grow up then maybe we can use this for intelligent or amusing things instead of childish nonsense. And if that didn't work for you just fuck off!

Ain't It Funny

Ain't it funny how many fuckin pussies are in the world. Those who can't fucking stand up for themselves and hide in the shadows to try to hide from their own misery. Yet, these are the people who are such miserable pieces of shit that condem others and try to belittle them because it makes them feel so much better about themselves. It helps them concel the pain and for just brief moments it keeps them from thinkin about killin themselves because they know there is nowhere else to go but with the trigger. See, what keeps your sane mister or miss anonymous is trying to convict others of your dark and mindless deeds when really, all of us that read your reguritated words disreguard them because we know that you are already dead. See fundling my trigger from far away is silly. Especially when you know your standing in front of my untimely volcano. So, advice for the cowardly, save your poor fingers from typing and your mind from confussion. Lava is very hot. You don't want to get burned. You shouldn't pervoke a time bomb. You never know when its going to go off. Now, to clear up these nasty little rumors. First, there is no disease so please. No need to pass on your sickness. Whore? HAHAHA! You make me laugh. What defines a whore? And please give some intelligent answer. Childs play bores me. As far as the fat thing, you are on your own. Nothing you say really matters to me. It gives me and the rest of the world a good laugh but its not because we all agree with you love. Its because we are laughing at your immaturity. Please, adults act more civil than that. We don't name call. We grew up past school age children. Perhaps you should try the same thing yourself. It wouldn't hurt. It would actually do you some good. Again, when you wave the red flag in front of the bull, its only a matter of seconds before it charges and you never know when. Now, please don't confuse the volcano and the ragin bull as threats. They are merely facts. I try to keep the piece. Perhaps you should learn from your mistakes instead of trying to prove to the world that you are a mistake. Tusch!