I SEE THE LIGHT!!

wow im fuckin cold. its freezing up here in the office....i thought heat rises. liars!! i got the chance to talk to chica on wednesday. (my phone bill is gonna b high, lol) we talked about the signs and signals guys and girls give each other. b it sexual enuendos, or a hint at what kind of mood we're in, or what we'd really like to have, etc. i can only give u my female perspective obviously. id like to think that there r just a handful of moods that guys need to b worried about. happy isnt bad u know! for me theres asshole days, sad, depressed, pissed, quiet.

"asshole days"-now that means that anything or anyone can set me off. when im in a mood like this im generally super sarcastic and relatively mean spirited. good sign to get away from me unless ur a glutton for punishment.
sad/depressed/quiet- if u ask me if something is wrong and i say nothing pls leave it at that. when im ready to talk believe me i will, sometimes its better to take the time to put ur thoughts together instead of spewing off at the mouth. this goes for being pissed too.

i know its hard for u guys to know whether or not we want to b left alone or should u do something. u must read body language. if my arms and legs r crossed, if i leave the room when u enter it or make myself busy while ur around, if it appears that im being stand offish good idea to stay a healthy distance away. take it upon urself to decide what is safe...b it a rooms distance away or a trip to wally world away. on the other hand if im doin the opposite--arms and legs not crossed, stickin around, not stand offish, talking some--it would b okay to ask do u need a hug? or is there anything i can do? but it is NOT okay to b super cuddly, needy or try to get laid. less is more in these cases if uve gotten the signs to b around.

now sexual enuendos-this one is tough cause not all chics r the same. for me, if im being much more touchy feely odds r i could easily b persuaded to go to bed. (touchy feely=grabbing ur ass more, a lil playful spanking, kissing the back of the neck, u get the idea) if i do something out of the norm...ie jump in the shower while ur in there, go to bed half dressed or naked, go panty-less. u know, out of the norm. my eyes tend to sparkle a bit more, but thats a hard one cause if im happy they do it too. i think that one is tough to decipher. i bite my lower lip, but u have to watch for it. there is the blatant statement of "lets fuck" but that tends to b a turn off comin from a guy, chics can get away with it. ;) the kisses i give will b a lil different. those r the main ones, at least all that im gonna share about me on here.

so what about u guys?? any tell tale signs to help us chics out??? :D

Thank u Thank u THANK U!!!

After reading Tasha's post I must admit I was a little upset. I scrolled through the posts and noticed that the post I had made the day that I had posted about my ex's comment wasn't there. I am not sure why. It was a thank u to my ratpack for the bday wishes. I think that when I got booted it didn't save. So I am sorry ya'll didn't get to see it. So, again, THANK U guys for caring so much. I appreciate it. Love Ya! Now, for the second issue. I did say those around me would know my big secret. You are right. You are included, however, I did't want the rest of the world to know, right now. I would prefer to tell you in person and not online. So please don't be offended.I just haven't seen ya'll to tell ya personally but you will know. Thank you for the edit. I did respond and I am glad you caught that. I was getting a little pissed reading that until I saw the edit at the buttom.

Ok, so now that I have made up for the lack there of, hopefully, school is going fine. I have another quiz today and I am a little nervous about that but its cool. I am going to study for the quiz too.

Now for the disappointment. My sister has decided to make her best friend her maid of honor. Some members of my family was really surprised that water was running thicker than blood when she had made the choice. Meaning, they didn't agree with her but we have all come to the conclusion that it is HER DAY and we are happy for her. So we all just go with it. I must say that I am hurt though. I would never tell her that though. Even though its a deep wound.

OH THE RAIN

disclaimer: yeah im gonna b mean, and unfortunately today is chicas day.

im feeling a little perturbed. well, perturbed isnt the right word....more like raining on someones parade. yes i know thats mean and quite possibly demented, but they say that its good to let ur feelings out. lmao. id like to begin this rain storm by referring to chica's previous post. she made mention of havin a new project but only those around her would know for the time being. im pretty sure that her new project involves GETTING BAPTIZED/SAVED. if im wrong, im wrong but hopefully i hit the nail on the head. mmmhahaha. now i feel like i have spoiled the "surprise" however being saved isnt a "dirty little secret". and im offended that "only those around me" could know....like wtf? now to the thunder....i am pissed, yes more than perturbed or just wanting to rain on someones parade, that hoochie mama and i wished chica a happy birthday and not so much as a thank u was said. what was said was a fuckin thank u to the fuckin dicksmack u dated. and not just a comment but a seperate post. hmmm i know theres differences between u and hoochie mama, but acknowledging our bday wishes to u just seems a tad more important and respectful than the fuckin x. thats just me. then i post about halloween plans and u blow on about gettin a new fuckin tattoo without once givin me a response to the idea. not even an offline message! i take that back, u left an offline but u only told me about ur days off. what the fuck gives? i know ur busy and uve made new friends...good for u, but that doesnt mean i will tolerate a fuckin lack of courtesy. u wanna b involved in the ratpack then b INVOLVED....

EDIT: on closer inspection, i found a comment that chica left concerning the halloween plans. i retract the statement i made about her not giving me a response. :D hehe

CHICA is getting INKED!!!!!

Thats right people, I am getting a tatoo. On October 7th. Reason why so long is because I am having it drawn to how I want things, $200. So I am excited. I will have to get a picture of it when I get it and show everyone. I am also signed up to take my NET test for nursing. I take that Oct. 5th. Fun fun. I am a little nervous but I know that I can do it. I also have started something new but the only ones who will know about it at first are those who are around me. I will send pictures of that project too. I am going under the water next sunday! I am so nervous about it though but I guess that is to be expected when you are making a step like that. I have 2 quizes today in my chemistry class. My professor sucks and everyone else in my class thinks so too. Oh well. Wish me luck!

THIS N THAT

GOD, FUCKIN SHIT!! i typed this post once, im only gonna try this once more.

the last few days at work have been interesting. a resident had a conjugal visit. supposedly it lasted less than 5 minutes. ive heard of quickies, but DAMN!! a snake got into the lower level. a resident threatened to punch another if they "didnt shut up". one literally cried over spilled juice. we had a new admit weigh in at around 650lbs. (yeah u read that right, 650 pounds) ugh, yeah shit tons of fun!! so glad im off tomorrow.

i watched final destination 2 tonite. it was surprisingly good, lots of gore. hehe it got me to thinkin though.....the plot line consists of cheating deaths design. gives truth to the whole "when its ur time, its ur time". this one got into watching for signs of danger, death, disaster--whatever u want to call it. this is what struck me....how many times have u had a gut feeling about something and listened to it or ignored it?? ive had gut feelings about a route i was taking to go somewhere or the feeling hey i should answer this phone call. i certainly dont think i was defying death--hell ive almost died 3 times, i figure im here for a definite reason. i do think that we get signs of things all the time and we just dont pay attention. that can get into the supernatural, but we wont go there this time. do we need to b on the "look out", no cause things can b misconstrued. maybe just a little more alert?? so weird considering.................

tim and i have HALLOWEEN PLANS in the works. thats right HOOCHIE MAMA and CHICA, so get ahold of me. the idea is to get dressed up, hit a haunted house, come back to our place, have some drinks, watch scary movies/play games, laugh and b merry. THEME is VAMPIRES. again, hit me up for date and time. :)

im a lil pissed that my :) series went without any comments. not so much as a hey thats cute or i really liked this lesson. nothin!! maybe its b/c most of the lessons were true. still i expected a bit more. pfft.

lastly, ive been checkin the stat counter. they have this nifty lil option to tell u about returning visitors. at least half our hits r returning visitors!! yay!! considering in october we will have hit our mark of sharing our lives with u guys for a year id like to say THANKS for tuning in!!

Hey! Guy from Cleveland!

Hey you. I thought you had forgotten about me. I figured I was such a bitch that it wouldn't even matter. Uh? Well, thank you.

:) 3

I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.

:) 2

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.


I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.


I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

:)

As I've Matured...



I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in...



I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.


I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.


I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.


I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.


I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOO ME!!!!!!

Its my birthday! I have had so many ppl email me and call me its so great to have ppl who care in your life.

ROAD RAGE AND JUST PLAIN RAGE, HEHE

have i mentioned that i hate construction?? back in july the county closed down one of the major routes comin into our town for 75 days. culvert work, pfft! during this process they have ofcourse detoured traffic, but i have been taking a route off the beaten path so to say. and wouldnt u know that during this process the route i take ends up having work done a few days as well!! not to mention that once i get into the next town so i can go to work they have that town tore to hell too!! WTF??? god i hate construction. last week they opened up the major route but were still doin some nite paving.....i got stuck behind mom and pop while waiting for the flagger to let us thru and guess what my entertainment was while i sat there for 15minutes?? oh yes.....mom and pop neckin. fuckin lovely. ugh. y does the county do that shit???

i tried to get some xmas shopping done this past weekend. i invited angie with me, she didnt help. in fact i feel like i need to go back and re-do what i already put on layaway. i really didnt get to look around cause she wanted to look at shit and if i walked off she would hunt me down and tell me i needed to tell her when i am walkin off. pfft. again.....wtf?

i watched some movies this past weekend as well. monster in law--ok, not worth owning though. sahara--pretty good, still wouldnt want to own it. alot like love--wanted to hurt myself when it was over. and some kung fu movie with a new "jet lee" type in it--fight scenes were kickass cause he did all his own stunts, some of them were crazy. what happened to the really good movies? u know, they had good plot lines.

i keep staring at this screen hoping to remember the interesting thing i wanted to talk about. figures i shoulda wrote it down when i thought of it earlier!! ugh. im goin to chalk it up to the fact that i worked 12hrs monday and another 8 tonite so that means my brain is FRIED. lol.

i have a new blog to add to my list of reads but i wanna check it out a few more times b4 i add it. its all about dating, relationships, sex, shit from the male point of view, etc. its interesting as much as it is insulting to chics. but i can appreciate the new view. i read an article today on there about "annoying things women do in relationships". the guy that wrote it was complaining that as women when our man asks us if something is wrong we say "nothing". that they rnt soo stupid as to not realize something is wrong so we should just b out with it. i dont know if ive ever done that. ill have to think about it......but my tip if this happens, "nothing" should b taken as a sign that we dont want to talk about it just yet. his other complaint was that when a bf and gf start living together the guys stuff ends up being replaced by girly/foofy foofy shit. (ie...candles, lots of pillows on the bed, stuffed animals) wtf? ur shit gets replaced cause if its old and raggety then its due time. i will admit to the candle thing, but i at least try to coordinate the scents so not to make everyone high.

yep still cant think of it even after all that rambling. gawwwwd. fuck it, ill try tomorrow. :-p

Nothing to kick to ya!

Well, nothing really knew here. I am just working and preparing for classes to start on monday. I stay pretty busy and work is overwhelming as hell. Today 2 of my aides called of work. We ended up working 3-3 and a float. Now that means, about 15 residents per aide. It really fucking sucked. It seemed like everyone had the shits and everyone became call light happy. It was a fucking joke. The day is over though and I am over it.

Did I mention that I had made dinner the other night for my neighbors and I? It was so nice and anyone who thought that I couldn't cook go and talk to my neighbors. Everyone really enjoyed it. I had made a chicken and other sides. I also took the liberty to buy a bottle of wine. What a nice touch. It was lovely. So now my neighbors have been cooking up a storm. We try to take care of each other. Its nice to know that people have your back through thick and thin.

I am looking forward to my birthday. Really don't know why though. Its just another year older and another year closer to the wooden box. Hell I guess I will have my friends and family and thats all that matters. Love ya guys.

The other day, while at work, the lady I go to church with tells me that the pastors wife and bought me a bible. She went outside on her break and brought it into me. I thought it was very sweet of her to do such a thing. I love going to church and it makes me feel better about myself doing so. I wrote her and thank you note and I will be sure to thank her again tomorrow night at church. God works mircles. I mean that in general. I have been blessed with a lot of things in my life thus far and a lot of good people to share it with. I hope that everyone knows how much I appreciate them and for those who don't, I love ya and I would do anything for ya. Thank you!

SAME OL SAME OL

i havent had any really juicy news lately, nor any drama. i should sooo get a gold star for that one! ;) i saw my bro the other day b4 work, he brought me the cow napkin holder ive been askin him to make for me. ITS SO CUTE!! i told him he shoulda saved it as a christmas present. speakin of, thats been on my mind alot the last few days. i must plan for gift giving this yr seeings how my savings account isnt what it was last yr. (imagine that!?) not to worry i will still have the occd this yr! lol

ive been in the mood to listen to music with metal in it. i say in it cause i cant really stand to listen to ALL screaming and guitars. i had kid rocks first cd playin on the way to work the other day and then it struck me....wtf happened to him? what in the hell would make him go soft. i think its b/c of joe c's death. but when i discussed this with tim he informed me that joe was around for the 2nd cd and it wasnt as good as the first. hmmm, im open to any other suggestions.

also while driving to work i noticed days ago that the auto shop with the lil sign out front had changed their quirky lil saying. it now reads: "what u c depends mainly on what u r looking for" and the other side says "the smallest good deed is better than the grandest good intention" i thought it was pretty thought provoking considering the quips probably come from one of the "genius'" at the auto shop.

thats bout it....just normal work stuff and life stuff. i do have a funny story about work.....the other nite i go in to change a male resident and hes poopy. well i ask p to come hold him over so i can clean him up. (btw, p is my fav nurse) we go in and pull back his attends and hes got shit clear up around his scrotum and penis. she picks up his penis by sorta pinching the skin behind the head and it makes this suction noise when it comes loose from all the shit. ok, so it doesnt sound funny but u have to imagine her using just her forefinger and thumb, kinda prissy like--although shes not squeamish about this sort of thing--and the suction noise, omg i laughed so hard. :D i know........nursing home humor, y'all probably dont get it.

Writing is bliss!

I got another editors award for my poetry. I am so excited about that. I makes me want to keep writing. I feel good about it. I hope to one day have a book of my poetry but for now I will be in a book of many other talented people.

I hate school

This is just like what it sounds like. It's about how wonderful school is going and all. First of all I have to get 96 hours of observation in which is like 6 hours a week but I have to drive to my school which isn't as bad a drive as it could be at only around 20 minutes to a half hour. I have to observe during 2 of the most boring lectures of my life and this is after getting up at 6:30 am. So I am like falling asleep. Then I come tutor for an hour hopefully catching some food in the like 15 minutes i should have... maybe I will eat in the car. Then I have 2 math classes. One with the evil professor's stupid twin and then a calc class to help me brush up on my calc..... or kill me. then a break until i tutor again.... every MW. TR i have to go to one class before i tutor and then i have nice long breaks so it's like all good. but today being a monday i did the monday thing without the first tutoring thing cause i am like stupid. but then i came back and changed and ate real fast cause i thought it would be nice to rest for a bit. then bck for a stupid class that could have lasted 2.5 hours thank god it didn't. the only fun part of my night was buying alcohol for someone else. And now instead of being able to rest or sleep or play or talk or anything I have to read. I have to fucking read. Thank goodess i get to sleep in tomorrow. no fucking 6:30 for me. This sucks I need a fucking drink. I want a shot of something strong... preferably 151 i wanna see if it might kill me.

World upside down

Tonight I went out with the girls for a short while but it got long quick. An ex my mine showed up, Elmo! Remember him? It sucked. All I wanted to do was cry. He stared at my the whole time. I wanted to throw up. I went in to the bathroom when I had torture long enough. I peed and things like that. When I came out, he was gone. I felt my whole world come crashing down. Its like I sparked an old flame but really what it did was just piss me off more. More at myself than anything. I didn't make things obvious that I was sicken with him being there but we both noticed the other. It was a slap in the face for the both of us. I was so weird. Other than that today, everything went great. I am off tomorrow and then thats it. Classes start on monday. Wish me luck!

THE NERVE

ive had wednesday and thursday off this week. wednesday i pulled weeds for about 2hrs. noooo i havent just let them grow hog wild all summer, thing is the fuckers keep comin back! ;) i alternated between squatting and pulling to standing and pulling and lemme tell ya my hamstrings and ass still hurt!! then i decided to go to walmart to get groceries. im not impressed. maybe its cause they r still getting things set up but i didnt think they had much selection. especially in their meat department, hence i spent 85 bucks and have no frozen meats. ugh. maybe thats y a cashier at krogers said the company isnt afraid of the competition from walmart.

i saw angie on thursday. i spent most of that day just bummin in my pjs. i did draw up the butterfly in memory of my mom though. i cant wait to get it tattooed. i showed her but i dont think she got it, oh well most art is interpretive. she told me though that her cousin seems to think that im "wild enough" to hang out with on a regular basis. all this comin from one nite of hanging with her and angie when it was a girls nite and we were drinkin and bitchin bout men. go figure!! ofcourse when angie gets a drink or two in her she can either go two ways.......emotional or talkative. that nite was talkative and she was sharing stories about her and me which im sure didnt help. ive pretty much had most ppl get that impression of me---of being wild. thing is, im not. but i do have an open mind and as long as everyone is safe i dont really care. i do what i want, when and with who i want. period. i dont think of that as being wild or out of control. opinions r like assholes everyones got one. what really made me laugh though was when angie told me that her cousin wanted to ask out tim, and that her cousin even went as far as to tell angies mom that after a second thought tim just wasnt right for her. LMAO. angie says she only said that b/c she only wanted to screw him. interesting. first of all her cousin doesnt know tim AT ALL. literally. second of all there is an unspoken rule among women that u dont date or fuck around with ur girlfriends xs. guess that rule wouldnt apply here since im not friends with her cousin......but still. there is that six degrees of seperation thing goin on in which case i think the rule would apply. thats just me. i told angie that if her cousin thinks shes got something tim would like to go for it cause i know where his hearts at and i would really like to c her make an ass of herself. (dont get mad at me, u know karmas a bitch) angie advised me against it otherwise her cousin would str8 up ask him to screw....which i think wouldve made an even better scenario for makin an ass of herself but i didnt tell angie that. so anyways......im not pissed, just humored and in awe of how some ppl act. itll b interesting the next time im out to angies and she shows up. hmmm, will i behave or shall i say something??? i dont know, the wild side might come out. LOL.

thats bout it for me. im workin this weekend, off on monday but ill end up runnin to krogers to get what i didnt at walmart. maybe angie wont b workin and we can go to the jcpenny outlet mall. i want to go to look at scrubs, but i just ordered a couple off the internet.....maybe ill wait til next payday. anyhoo.....hope y'all r enjoying the weekend!! :D ciao

mmmmm....sand-wich

There are times when I can just feel myself slipping... and I scramble to hold on because I hate what happens when I just fall all the way down. But no matter what I slip and there is nothing that changes that. It's like getting yourself in quicksand, you move a lot or you don't do anything and either way you sink. Sometimes you stay still and hope that someone comes along and helps you out, sometimes you thrash around trying to help yourself and sometimes you just give up and get pulled under.
Somehow I have to get motivated to do stuff but all I wanna do is just get out of the fucking quicksand and I can't because ain't no one going to come along to help me and I can't find anyway to get out my fucking self.

DATE FUNNIES :)

i must say that one of the things i enjoy is reading blogs. i find it relaxing, i get to laugh and sometimes it lets me know that im not the only one with fucked up stuff goin on. ;) i read this guys blog who tells stories about his dating life. but its not normal stuff, its the crazy shit that happens. and it got me to thinkin that i have had some "interesting" dates b4 myself. like the time i met this guy off the internet who refused to give me a pic, but oh well. its not that he was ugly per se but he was extremely cocky. he shows up for our date in khakis, button up shirt and tie....driving some fancy car with dealer tags on it. now the game plan was to go to magic mountain so i wasnt dressed quite like him. but the funny thing was, was that when we got in the car to leave he couldnt get it in gear....literally. he stood outside pushing on the car and talkin on his cell phone tryin to get instructions on how to fix the problem. at the end of the date he proceeded to tell me that i had an attitude. lmao. not my problem if u act like ur shit doesnt stink and then u fail to walk the walk. i have a few more stories but i wanna know about ur dating mishaps!!

My happy, emotional day!

I have great news! My sister's boyfriend has asked her to marry him. My little sister is getting married. Even though I am so happy for her I am so sad. I remember that when we were younger I would tell everyone that she was my baby. HA! I have been so upset and crying today because I just don't seem right. She is my little sister. She isn't supposed to be all grown up and be getting married. I can't help but think what I have done wrong to not have the chance to be in her shoes. It mustn't be my time. I just thought that I would be married before her and I would play the big sister role and be able to help pave the way. I have been crying all day. I want to play barbie's with her again and play dress up. I want her to be that little monkey that would just cling to you. I want to play " verum verum" with her again! I know that sounds funny. My sister and I would lay on our backs and put our feet together and act like we were pushing petels down on a race car and we would pretend we were racing. We could do that for hours. Oh well. I guess its silly but its still my baby, my friend, my sister. Congrats!

ASSHOLE DAYS....

i have this incredible urge to write and let out all the icky stuff ive been feeling the last few days or months, w/e. time frame is irrelevant. i should only write this stuff in my bedside journal and yet i still feel the urge to post it on here. i dont know what gives, but then again i havent been feelin myself lately. ive been feeling "wishy-washy", u know undecisive and confused alot. normally i am NOT like that at all. i think some of my skeletons r trying like hell to escape from the closet. unfortunately i cant deal with them just yet b/c of the very situation that caused them. ie---i still havent grieved over my mom b/c her estate isnt settled. thats just one skeleton though.........im not sure what my issue is exactly. its a bunch of stuff. its having a guy that has idealized me to the point he doesnt truly c me for me. its ppl having expectations of me that rnt realistic. its not being able to get my moms stuff back from my x. its feeling like im losing my independence. its not spending enough time with my girlfriends doin our thing. its feeling like i have the responsibility of too many things and ppl. its not knowing whether or not i want to play house. its wanting a guy but only when i want a guy around. its wanting to quit but not wanting to quit. its wanting my cake and eat it too. its 50 things pulling me in all directions. its talking too much. its feeling too much. its wondering y in the fuck cant i just get on with it or over it or anything with it. its y do i feel like the crazy one? its y do i do this, get this way. its y cant someone fuckin relate? y cant things just b normal? its god make my brain stop racing. ........u get the point. i feel a little better just putting it in writing. all the talkin ive done lately helped at that moment but ultimately exhausted me more. im tired of talking things out. i just dont want to deal with it anymore....and its not good to ignore the issue(s) but damn im sick of being in this mood. i just want to let the mood pass now.....so much for wanting huh???