THERAPY

ive been in a mood lately, almost a week in fact. im not sure how it started but i know how its been prolonged.....and now im dealing with all of the bullshit. seems like as soon as one thing gets str8 another goes whopper jawled. ugh. y'all remember me posting about chicas bad mood, well she gets into better spirits and then 2 memembers of the rat pack end up fighting. (no im not involved in this fight) even though im not directly involved in this lil fight it has still effected me in a deep way. mostly b/c i sympathize, i have been thru the same shit and it brought up bad memories for me---just remembering the way i felt when i went thru it u know? and it bothers me that trust has been broken with no way of proving anything. now individually these two have done nothing to break trust with me, but i cant help but feel like---well, if one friend could do it to another then whats stopping them from doin it to me? but then again thats the chance u take when u let ppl into ur life. i feel like if i continue being friends with the one that ill b condoning what took place and that sickens me. i do not condone this. i also feel like if i continue being friends with the one that ill b betraying the other all over again, as if i dont believe what happened. ugh. i have a nagging gut feeling that the one wouldnt do anything of this nature on purpose in a hateful way---like, yeah im gonna fuck her over. know what i mean? i always figured that b/c of the way that i met these two that our friendship had a reason---to either teach them something or learn something from them, that we would b in each others lives for a certain amount of time and then go on our way.......i never thought that any of the friendships between us would disentegrate like this. im not saying that i wont b friends with the one anymore, i still have to think about shit.....it just put a new dynamic on the relationship that i dont know if i can handle or believe in or trust in or anything. im probably over thinking the whole thing. i just wish it was different, is that too much to ask??? i was hoping that by me writing it out, seeing it in "green and white" (lol) that i would somehow work thru it. writing is my usual therapy....its sorta helped this time but not enough.

im sorry guys, i wish that none of this had to happen. im not mad at either of u. a little confused.....troubled.......somehow i feel like im more concerned over it than the 2 of u. but maybe im just openly expressing myself whereas u guys rnt??? i dont know but yeah, i wish it wasnt like this......................

realizations

So yesterday while I was eating Wendy's in my car, I realized that I am twenty and that not only that but in many ways I am still very young. I know I grew up fast in many ways and maybe I have tried to stay young in others or even regressed. What matters is I think I have some growing up to do still. I ain't really sure I want to grow up completely. I don't really know. It's weird because I really do want to find my one true love. Like that is the one thing that I have always believed in, sometimes doubted, but still believed and hoped that somewhere in the world that I would find that one person. But for some reason, that I probably know but don't care to admit, I just never take the chance or never take the right one. I am thinking that I should wait until I am in a permanent place before I go looking for that someone. So one more year....

NO NEWS....

i was off yesterday, tim and darcy had come over to go to newark with me. we were on a mission to find drapes for rodneys living room. i wasnt expecting to find drapes, which r different than curtains--they have a lining on the back......but i found a few at value city department store. however i was still disappointed b/c none of those drapes matched the colors in his living room nor were they to his taste. ugh. i guess that even though his living room is all nice and clean he'll have to suffer with the drapes he has....sorry. so yeah, one more room to clean out at his house and im not lookin forward to it. i am sick again with a stuffy/runny nose and a slight sore throat. damn this!!! anyhoo, after goin to what felt like 50 different stores we went to the mall and ran around a lil bit. i got a new jacket for 10 bucks and a new eyebrow ring. i had to have darcy screw the little ball on to the barbell cause my nails were in the way. i think it made her sick to her stomach to watch me pull the ring out i had in and change it---i asked her how she was gonna have piercings herself if she cant stand to change em. lol. im tryin to talk her into gettin a tattoo....maybe that will b our lil adventure for thursday. ;) she wants one but is nervous about the needle and pain.

im workin tonite and i dont feel like being there....partially b/c i feel like im sleep dreprived but mostly b/c the facility has their own surveyors that come in and make sure everything is being done properly. its bad enough when "state" is in town, which they r, but to have company surveyors on top of it!?!? ugh. its stressful and nerve wracking.....everyone havin to walk the line and do everything so-so. im hoping that they will b gone by the time i get there or at the very least leave shortly after the start of my shift. ill have to let u know how it goes....

NO DRAMA

i had this weekend off and i got to c the girls. i must admit that chica was in a pretty bad mood and it was offensive---not personally, but in general that she could b standoffish to her friends. oh well i flipped my "bitch switch" (according to tim) and told her to butt fuck herself with a knife!! lmao. yeah i know the shit that comes out of my mouth. saturday was super relaxing....and thats all im gonna say about that! ;) sunday was about the same, although i woke up with my arthritis makin me sooo stiff that i could hardly move. i had a really good convo with hoochie mama last nite.....we talked about her wanting to find the one and thinkin that she may never find the one and just find someone. i told her that settling is not good enough. u shouldnt b satisfied with just content, but b patient so that u can b happy. i know that finding someone that completes u and makes u giddy everytime they r around is a daunting task---especially for us chics, but when the timing is right the person will come into ur life and turn it upside down. :) dont need a man, choose to want a man in ur life. personally i think that makes for a better place to jump from when starting a relationship---ur less likely to become codependent on the guy. anyhoo, thats all i got for now cause there was nothing super melodramatic about my weekend--which is a very good thing! ;)

Its just me admiting faults!!!!

I have been a complete asshole here lately and I know I am wrong. I am sorry to everyone that has been in my path, well, for the most part, some are well deserving of a good tongue lashing. Anyway, I know that I am personally very miserable with a lot of things in my life. I am losing my faith and I often feel like there is no one to talk too. Using sarcasm is like my way of guarding myself from others. I very often just want to scream and just throw fits like a tot. More often then that I just cry myself to sleep. I tend to try and drink my pain away and I am perfectly well aware that its not helping and it won't. I put myself in situations that I know aren't good for me but its like I am enjoying the attention. And when its over I am miserable again until I can get the fix for another. I don't know what to do. I feel so lost and confused. I don't know what I am looking for but I do know that I haven't found it yet. Does that make sense to anyone? My whole world seems like its turned upside down and I am overwhelmed with everything. I just wish I could get away. Ya know, take a vacation. Take time to just relax and think. Without the alcohol and without my trait of sarcasm. I know that being alone its helping me but like I said, I often feel like there is no where to turn, no one to talk too. I get like this to often but I know I can pull myself out. It just takes time. I don't know. I guess I just stick with what I know works for me until I can find a better solution. Until then, I do what I got to do. Right or wrong.

I am sorry to my rat pack. I didn't mean to offend you guys the other night. FORGIVE ME? I am lacking some serious shit in my life and I am very broken. I know it doesn't make shit right for what was said, but I meant no serious harm. It was the sarcasm talking. I appolozise for the lashing out. I am just miserable myself and it ain't right to lash out, especially at the ppl that matter most to me, YOU GUYS. MY RAT PACK!

BlahBlahBlah

Sometimes death seems to be the easy way out. Assuming it will take away all the misery and pain. What makes ppl think that this is a proper solution? Why do we on focus on the misery and pain? I have a idea. We think that whatever the problems its just to much to bare. There is no more protection and even those that seem close to you are so far away. Would you know if a person close to you was suffering? How would you help them? Could you? It often seems like all the relentless efforts to cry out for help isnt helping. What to do with it all? Blah Blah Blah!!!

Does anyone ever think about situations such as this? Does it even matter to you? Tell me, is this serious enough to wake anyone up? Can you talk about it or do you just run from it? Its something to ponder.

Re: U GOTTA HAVE FAITH.

There are a lot of reasons I have not responded to this post yet. First off some of you won't like it, in fact most of you won't. I am not going to give you all of my opinions because sometimes they are too harsh.
First, I believe in some supreme being, but not necessarily God (in the Christian sense), and not necessarily just one. I believethere is a higher entity that created us, but I don't think we are supposed to know what.
Second, I do not believe what the Bible says, because it was written by men. And yes, I do mean that in the literal sense, because while there are women who wrote I do not believe it was believed that they were worthy of the task and thus afraid to write freely. I do not like how it mentions rape freely and as if it were not a big deal. I do not like how part of Jesus life is missing. I will say that it is a good book, but I won't agree that it is the Good Book. I think that valuable lessons can be learned, but I think sometimes it is almost held up as the law.
Now after that you all probably think I am terrible. I just think that I can accept everyone as long as they are not completely horrible to me. Sometimes though people who get too involved in religon forget that people are still human, we make mistakes.
If you want to ask me questions or anythnig feel free to, because I know this isn't everything. I just have a hard time writing it all, because I do notwant to write like a term paper on just my thoughts. Plus I wanna see howmuch people yell at me before I type more.

i had a decent nite at work tonite. it feels like shit is about to hit the fan with L and some other co-workers. apparently they dont like her attitude, but as i c it shes just not afraid to let ppl know when they're sittin on their ass and shes bustin hers. know what i mean? shes probably approaching them all wrong, but when ur runnin ur ass off all nite while everyone else is pokin around, talkin and takin 15 breaks too many politeness goes out the window! i like workin with her. tomorrow nite the boss has her training on the other side of the building--the one shes never been on from the get-go. she is not happy about that.......at least she gets trained. i was thrown on the opposite side from where i trained with no orientation at all!! oh well, not my battle to fight. just a shame everyone else has to b assholes to her behind her back.

i cleaned rodneys house yesterday.......that was interesting. took me an hour and a half just to clean the junk outta one room so that i could start washin the walls and dusting. all in all i was there for 5hrs and only got one bedroom and the bathroom done! i was really hopin to get his whole house done in 2 days......but if his other bedroom is anything like the one i already did, i may b cleanin his house on every day off i have for the next 2 wks!!! he had old phone books and calendars from yrs ago all piled up, not to mention receipts, pay stubs and other useless paper stuffed into this one little dresser! i am soooo glad that im not a pack rat!!! wish me luck for friday........ :)

hoochie mama comes home on friday as well. no definite plans as of yet.........more later, im fuckin tired!!!

Wondering if I earn the name yet lmao

Okay long story short. Cause I started the long and it was too long lol. I have been talking to this guy. We hadn't meet yet. He comes over. Darcy gets fingers and tongue and gives both. Oh yeah and half way through getting tongue she remembers she left the door bolted... talk about something to play with my brain. Anyway just to tease tasha do i earn my name yet? LMAO.

CRUEL INTENTIONS

ive always known some ppl to b cruel and nasty but its never more apparent than when i go to work. ofcourse i work with all women, what should i expect right?!?! lol. i work with a lady, B, and shes a great worker. i get along with her.....thank God! but i tell ya, if theres a new person that has any kind of quirks or who doesnt seem to prove themselves quickly she will tear them apart---behind their back no less. for instance, C is fairly new, less than a month there and she has a lil habit of sayin "wonderful" one too many times. i find it amusing, but i havent had the pleasure of workin directly with her for a full shift. now i understand the whole "intiation" process, especially in this field---its alot of physical labor and u gotta b able to hold ur own. i also understand that once uve been doin this work for some time u can easily tell if a new person is gonna pan out or not. ive been in this field for 5yrs and i can certainly tell when someone is good or not but i dont rip them apart if i dont get a good vibe or they prove useless. usually the quality of works shows pretty quickly, i dont feel the need to spout off about it like B does. i cant help but feel that she is capable of running the help off!! i know that had she treated me the way ive seen her treat new staff recently i woulda seriously thought about a different facility. does it make much sense to make new staff feel uncomfortable, possibly so that they will quit, so that we can work short staffed???? duh!!! ...........wonder if she talks shit about me?

enough bout work.....last nite tim and i went out to eat with angie and steve, er, ah, i mean her husband. lmao (since being married angie doesnt call steve by his name any more, only my husband 50 times in one conversation) anyhooooooo i wanted to hang out with angie, but mostly i did it b/c steve has seemingly gotten the "wrong impression" of tim from the first and only time hes ever met him. sometimes i think angie even has the wrong idea about tim....so i wanted to show them otherwise! everything was good, tim and steve were talkin up a storm about music, movies, guy stuff, etc. after dinner we went back to their house and had dessert, bs'ed some more. i had tim go out and warm up the car and asked steve, well? he just had this look on his face and then bitched at angie for bringin out the blow-up sheep. (gag gift) he did say it was better than the first time he met tim. hmmm, wtf does that mean? i suppose ill take that as sufficient!! neither steves or angies opinion about tim really matters---i know him and i like it!! :)

U GOTTA HAVE FAITH!

its funny that in the last few days i have been in or heard a few conversations that have to deal with faith---of any kind. wednesday when my bro was talkin about the world goin to hell he was also talkin about the end of it, which i told him will b nothin like what hes thinkin it will b. (yeah i have been saved and i do believe in God.) so i told him about the rapture and apocalypse etc. hes not really into all that cause hes not sure God exists. now thats just one kind of faith. then i talk to mandy and read her post and shes lost her faith in love. if love doesnt exist, then y do we get attatched to ppl? r we really all just running around "in like" with everyone we share our lives with? cause i dont work like that---i get pissed off with my loved ones, or worried, stressed, proud of, happy for, sympathize with, etc. all b/c i care for them. and to me caring is a part of lovin them. ofcourse there r different types of love. ;) ie---i certainly dont love my brother the same way that i love my friends. then i read a comment darcy left on her post (extend of what tash said) and she doesnt know for sure that her life will have purpose/meaning. that requires a kind of faith in urself---to know that ur here for a reason.

now i talked to tim about this lack of faith thing after we left my bro's on wednesday. ill admit that im concerned for my loved ones that do not believe in God. im not preachin here, but i have read revelations and i know that come the end of the world its not gonna b pretty. i do NOT want the ppl i care about to b left behind come rapture and have to go thru all that. and then it brought up things like---where do ppl think their deceased loved ones go if they dont believe in a heaven and hell, which means ud have to believe in God.? where do good things come from? luck, a break, good timing? whats my purpose in life, y am i here? do u think that u were strictly born to go to school, graduate, get a job and procreate? since i was saved i have found that my faith has given me peace of mind many times. i can ask all these questions go pick up my bible and read it and find the answers. or i can pray to God about w/e im dealing with and feel better that the situation is in his hands. but thats just my kind of faith, i believe in something. maybe my bro, mandy and darcy, even tim would feel better about whats goin on within themselves and around them if they just believed in something. faith is a funny thing......it requires believing in somethin that u cant necessarily use ur five senses for. love. someones word. God. purpose. hope. ..............u get the point.

Just a extended thing from what tash said

I wanted to expand on the gas topic and the social security stuff.
First of all, most people know that we are running out of gas. If you didn't before now you do. The government doesn't want to look too much into alternative means of energy to use in cars yet. Why? I don't really know why but I assume money. Because one alternative is solar and that is free. Electricity isn't too expensive so where would they get the same money that they are now. We will just keep paying more and more until we are all poor. Eventually we will just run out and be screwed.
The whole social security thing is going to really hurt people around our age. People whose parents are baby boomers. I did my senior project in high school on this and none of them were concerned at all. I tried to say how we were going to have to help our parents live out the rest of their lilfe and somehow support our families while making money of our own to retire on. As my mom gets older, I worry about if I will get a job and how long I will have to make money before my grandma's disease causes her trouble. My grandma died in her 80's and my mom is getting close to 60. And I don't even have a job yet.
All I know to do is just keep going and hope. That's all I have ever done. i figure if I can take what I have so far, ain't nothing that should stop me now except my own death.

UMMM, YEA!!!!!

So I haven't posted in awhile but I have just moved and all of that bullshit and I haven't found that time. My apt is cool. I love being on my own again. Although, I do miss my friends, which reminds me, I should give them a call. As Tasha has made mention there is this guy from work that I am absolutely crazy over but he has a situation already which is cool. I am happy for him but I have come to notice that I am starting to feel for him more than friends. WTF!!! I just don't understand. I try to guard myself and then one day I wake up and find myself playing the same song. I don't know. I know that I am lacking in the whole "love" department meaning that I don't believe in it. But for the second time in my life I actually want to believe and I want to be in love again. But for the first time in my life I know that I am wrong, everything is wrong and I feel as if I am losing control of everything. I have been feeling this way for awhile. Not just because of him. I don't know. I know we will stay just friends and I am happy that I have him in my life and I wouldn't trade it for nothing. He means a lot to me and I will stand by him right or wrong. So, anyhoo, other than that there is nothing new. I just take care of me and keep on keeping on. Take care and I will type more later.

FOR THE SAKE OF POSTING

theres nothin really new to report today. same shit a different day u know. i did get to c my bro on wednesday when i dropped off my laundry. he and tim had an interesting conversation about how the world is basically goin to hell in a handbasket.....sometimes when my brother gets on his little rants i just have to laugh, but this time he had a point......his usual rants include the injustice that comes with the government---this one did too, but he said something about how its not right that we have all kinds of laws for our "safety" that cost us money when u should b limiting the # of burgers an obese person can order at restaurants and fast food joints for their "safety"---but they dont b/c those places make everyone alota money versus handing out tickets. granted this was just one of his examples of unfair laws, however hes right. the government follows the money. he brought up the fact that come summer he bets that gas prices will b $3/gallon and everyone will continue to buy gas b/c we cant stop living---which is true and b/c of that the government will continue to jack up gas prices. he talked about social security benefits and the lack there of for the younger generation when the time comes for us/them to use our benefits. while all his and tims rantings gave me a headache i was impressed that my brother, being only 19 could comprehend what most middle aged ppl dont understand at all. yep, very impressed......u go lil man!! :)

thursday i went back out to get my laundry, took lil man and his gf lunch. tim and i helped them finish puttin together a puzzle. no smartass comments, we all realize that we act older than we r!! jess and tim were talkin to andrea about their MVM (dont ask, u dont want to know) and i had to butt in......"we're not havin this convo again, one headache was enough!" anyhoo, i had a good time just hangin out with them. it doesnt happen very often.

i talked to mandy a lil bit on this damn box yesterday as well. shes not in a very good mood at all. shes let this guy upset her. which i guess is hard not to do if feelings and emotions r involved. i just cant help but think in the back of my mind......u knew the situation and yet u put urself there. i told her that maybe she needs to change the type of guy that shes usually attracted to. she denied being attracted to a certain type, ugh. so now shes back on her kick of "im gonna take care of me first". thats also a very good thing to do, how many times have i preached that u gotta have urself str8 b4 u can start involving other ppl? i just c this as a pattern, she always says that after shes been hurt---which is also a good thing when ur comin outta a relationship, it prevents rebounding.....thing is, shes not having any long term relationships that i think would require the self reflection after a break up. but who am i to say anything? when ur hurt ur hurt. she feels empty and i wish that i could do something for her. talk is cheap when ur in pain, nothin anyone says can really help. i still keep prayin for her.........

hoochie mama will b home on the 19th for her spring break! woohoo! shes feelin the itch like the rest of us and isnt sure that she just wants to stick around here for her break. i dont blame her, if i could go away for a week i certainly wouldnt stay here. shes thinkin about goin to mexico or canada or somethin. i wouldnt go to canada, but ahhhhh mexico........im jealous.

angie had invited tim and i to go to lunch with her and her mom yesterday too. she called me while she was runnin around walmart........she was bitchin cause she couldnt find what she was lookin for. all the construction for our soon to b super wally world has the store a mess! i asked her what she was lookin for thinkin i could b of some help---due to my weekly visits ofcourse! :) and she says.......condoms. the large kind. they come in shiny gold wrappers. wow! i shouldnt have asked. i told her that i was goin to get off the phone and take a shower so that i could scrub myself with a wire brush. she just laughed---i told her, glad u think its so fuckin funny, but i dont care to know how big ur hubbys dick is!!! after hangin up i showered and got ready for our lil lunch date. but in the process of hunting down those precious golden squares i think she forgot about our lunch date cause she stood me up! lol.

u know my days off go by soooo much faster when i choose to b part of the real world and not hole up in my apartment! btw andrea, that puzzle i brought home is a son of a bitch!!!!! :)

funny thing

Go to stupidvideos.com and just start watching. My favorite is DUI. Evil penguin 2, and the truck monkey series are great. Everythnig esle just depends on your taste. But I spent like 4 hours with a friend watching some of these and we got like halfway through and weren't watching them all so this should keep y'all occupied.

RESPECT

so yesterday b4 the start of my normal shift i was called and asked if i would work 3rd instead.....i said sure, what the hell. i go in at 11pm and start shift, after first rounds the girls r sittin around lookin at the schedule for tonite and say to me---hey! looks like ur workin with us again monday nite! i whip around and the look on my face shoulda said it all.....i ask, what!?!? them, yeah ur on the schedule again for 3rd. me, oh really? too bad no one told me let alone asked me to work monday 3rd shift. anyways, i brewed over this found information for awhile and then decided that it would b aight considering workin til 7am and then havin to go back in at 3pm wouldnt give me quite enough sleep. however, i had decided i would b bringin this little issue up with someone monday mornin. it would figure that the culprit of this situation didnt come into work b4 i left this morning.....but i got a phone call from my boss askin me what was goin on with my schedule. hmmmm, even though he wasnt the one perpetrating this schedule change i thought hed at least b aware, no. i told him the story and he says, no no no. lemme look at the schedule for tonite, yeah i have enough coverage stay home tonite and come in tomorrow at ur normal time. WTF!?!? now im screwed outta a day on my paycheck!!!!

my question is......where is the respect in this situation? it was one thing to call and ask me to switch shifts to help out, its something else to switch shifts on me w/o me being aware!!!

AWAY FROM VERNON

i had a good 3 days off from work. i relaxed and chilled friday nite. saturday tim and i went to cosi. it was fun....while we were walkin thru the "progessive" exhibit we found some hoola-hoops and i had to open my big mouth! i asked him if he knew how to hoola and he says well ill do it if u do it. hmmm, i cant pass on a challenge so i tried.......and made an ass of myself, but everyone was laughin so it was all good. then i had to make him make good on his word.....he didnt do much better!! ;) afterwards we went over to mandys new apt. its really cute, much nicer than the one she had next door to me. hey! wait a minute, that means its nicer than mine!! damn it. anyhoo.........the whole pampering thing didnt work out cause i couldnt get all my chores done on thursday. when tim told me what he had planned i was a little disappointed that i didnt get to go, but theres always other weekends! ;) so yeah, that was my big weekend.

on a side note---funny story bout tim......u need a lil history for this one. i get my nails done. the nail salons here rnt as "creative" as the nail salons i used to go to when i lived in maryland. know what i mean? i like the funky stuff that the techs in MD would do and i try to get the techs here to do the same thing and they look at me like im crazy. kinda like...."what is this lil white chic doin wantin this stuff?" so anyways, tim knows this and while at work earlier this week a lady comes in and he notices her nails r really funky, not like u usually c around here. he proceeds to approach her and say......"excuse me m'am this is goin to sound horrible, but where do u get ur nails done?" lmao! the lady gives him a really weird look as any chic would when a guy asks her that and says "excuse me?" he says, "no no no". long story short, he gets the address of the nail salon she goes to for me so that if i ever really feel the urge to b funky like in MD i can b. when he told me this i laughed sooo hard and told him that while it was thoughtful i wouldnt have compromised my balls for it, that he sounded soooo gay! needless to say, he was a lil upset that my reaction was such. hahahaha

I HATE SNOW

lets talk about contentment versus happiness. i think theres a big difference. for me, i c contentment as settling. happiness is being excited about gettin up in the morning and doin w/e it is that u gotta do or seeing whoever u gotta c. am i happy when i get up and do my thing.......yes. however, i still have feelings of just contentment. how can that b? happy and yet content. i dont ever want to settle for anything. i have never just let something go when i know it could b better. even when i was younger i would get this ansy-ness about me that my mom could read......she would tell me that i am always thinkin that life is more, when this is it. hmmm, what does that mean? this is it. u mean, goin to work, payin the bills, chores, and possibly a family is IT? no way, i refuse to accept that. im not expecting to go all over the world or take extravagant vacations but somehow there has to b more! i hate routine, except for work---routine there is good. if my life starts feeling routine then i get restless. contentment = settling = routine. grrrrr. tim seems to think that im just experiencing "cabin fever".......hes probably right, i live for the sun and havin fresh air blow in thru the windows. MOTHER NATURE, PLS HURRY UP AND BRING ON THE SUN AND HEAT!!!

G'ON WITCHA SEXY SELF

aight, so i was sittin in the nail salon gettin my nails done and eye-ballin the other ladies there.......an older lady(gma old), two middle aged women, one "classy" and the other more "casual", and then this chic.........now ladies i understand the concept that if what u put on in the mornin makes u feel sexy then so b it. cause its all about confidence, and if u feel good then u will exude confidence and sex appeal. however, this chic was wearing a black knit sweater with gray and white stripes(horizontal), black velvet pants and HUGE chunk soled shoes that laced up. i couldnt help but keep lookin at her and wondering what the hell about that outfit would make her feel confident and sexy??? and u could tell she did, her hair was done up real nice and make-up, the whole nine. she had her nails painted blue (which i didnt have a problem with, i like funky) but then she had my usual nail tech air brush 2 black bats, yeah those winged creatures that come out at nite, on each nail. hmmm i was intrigued and so i checked out the other ladies a lil more closely......."gma" was typical, french manicure, lil pants and a red sweatshirt, earrings and a lil lipstick---nice for older. "casual" had red nails with a bird lookin thing air brushed on, jeans, sweatshirt, oversized coat hangin on her, smackin her gum---ok for gettin ur nails done, runnin errands, etc. "classy" looked like she had just got off work at the office---nothin to say bout that. me, i had navy blue pants on with a fleece shirt, hair pulled back like i usually do and a lil mascara on, heeled boots---coulda been cuter, but ok for gettin nails done. all of this had me thinkin that its really something what we as women individually find "cute" or "sexy" or even "appropriate" on ourselves. then i thought, well maybe its just b/c i live in a small "hick town". we dont have fancy stores to shop at. and 9 times outta 10 the women u c runnin around r either dressed in pajamas or sweats. is it sad that most of the women around here rnt motivated to dress "nicer", except the teenage girls---they dress like hookers tryin to sell somethin they dont have.

one time my x husband made a comment to me about how all he ever saw me in were my scrubs for work or pjs when i got home. he had asked me y it was that i had all these clothes that i never wore. well back then i was workin day shift so i got up and put scrubs on, i would come home, wash off the grime i got on me at work and put on pjs----wheres the sense in puttin on civilian clothes when in a few hours i would b goin to bed? now, i work second shift so i get up and am faced with the same situation---y put on civilian clothes for a few hours when ill just have to change into scrubs? i dont know about u, but i dont particularly like doing 20 loads of laundry. but believe me, when im out and about i make sure that i am dressed appropriately for w/e it is that im goin to b doin. maybe women think that once they snag a man they dont feel it necessary to try to impress anyone? cause i do notice a difference when i am out and about---usually the chics, no matter the age, who r single dress a lil nicer than the ones that r taken. and u can usually tell the chics that have had a man for some time, cause they dress a lil different than the ones that r in a new relationship. i know that society has implanted within us the need to use clothing, make-up, perfume and hair to attract and even deter mates, but when i get dressed im not thinkin about that sort of thing, i dress for myself. maybe that is my answer.....the women around here dress for themselves and not everyone else. u dont need an outfit to say "hey i got it" or "yeah, i own this" it just helps ;) cause i own everything in this damn town no matter what im lookin like!! hahaha

STEPPIN UP

i was reading lizard's blog and felt compelled to write on a similar subject.....owning ur decisions. one of my favorite questions to ask new ppl that i meet is if they regret anything they've ever done or said in their life. most ppl have a few things that they openly admit to me that they regret. now regret comes from feeling bad or guilt over a decision made. it makes me wonder if at the time they did not own the decision they made to do wrong to someone and its only in hindsight that they realize what they did. cause i have thought on numerous occassions about my past and this whole regret thing.......i dont regret anything that ive said or done to anyone, b/c i have known in every situation what the consequences would b as far as it either hurting me or the other person. i have owned every decision i have made.....sure sometimes it didnt work out the way i thought it would and i learned a lesson during those times but still no regret for the decision made. u gotta try right? well at least when it comes to the good things. ive heard too many times that u need to "own ur feelings".....ie--the fact that ur sad or pissed off w/e.....but how come we dont hear "own ur decisions" more? owning ur decisions means being responsible for what the hell ur doing, it means being held accountable. maybe there would b less hurt and regret in the world if more ppl owned their decisions. maybe more ppl would feel impowered and stand up for themselves if they just owned what was goin on around them. another favorite saying of mine is "step up"......im sure we've all heard the expression "step up and b a man". same principle folks, apply it to all aspects of ur life. ;)

Sorry y'all I am out of it.

Sorry everyone. I was just so busy trying to not be sad. I don't really want to y'all everything, but my body is out of wack and it is winter. The whole vodka thing...well I hadn't drank in a while and when I did well whoosh. I want to cuss cause in school as a "grown up' we are not supposed to cuss, so right when I walk out I wanna use every cuss word I know twice.
I want to let 'all know that my best friend up here right now is in the hospital. They thought she had appendisitis and now they don't know what is wrong. She has been admitted but every part of the hospital thinks it is something that doesn't involve there area. Just hope with me for her. We get on each other nerves a lot but right now she is what I have here and I don't want to loss her.