everything is easier said than done. i tell u to have faith and to trust in me. pfft. how simple huh? i have a bad day and within that 24hrs i gave u enough suspicion to lose all faith and trust. it sucks doesnt seem to b sufficient for how i feel about that loss. i read ur journal, i know ur having doubts, serious doubts. i felt an ache within me after those words flitted across the page. im always preaching that trust is the foundation in any relationship......i dont know how to repair the damage. can i even? i try and try and it feels like im fighting a losing battle. as soon as i gain ground on one front i get ambushed on another. is that just my perception or is it the truth? u tell me. this isnt about what issues i have or dont have, u know my history. all i want to say is that faith and trust doesnt come easy for me either.
i truly wish that i could make u happy or even happier. i am a simple girl and it really doesnt take much for me to b tickled. i learned long ago to pick and choose my battles carefully.....thus i dont have the fight in me to nit-pick the little things. yes, little things can become big things but those little things should b about the bigger picture. respect. honesty. comittment. etc. u talk to me about what u need from me and it feels like everything i am doing is all wrong. its not enough. what is enough? will it ever b enough or is that pedestal making a reappearance? im not fond of heights u know. what a let down.
i had this idea that being with u would b so simple and easy. it would b like what i always felt it should b like. it would b beautiful. its complicated and difficult. and constantly feeling like ur not fulfilled is draining me. "y try, nothing has worked so far." know what i mean? i am incredibly sad. im not sure if its disappointment that the connection between us isnt as strong as i thought and its taking more effort. or i thought that i knew u so well and im having to face that i dont. or u cant just b with me in the simplest, purest way and enjoy that. it seems to always b something. i feel like a failure for not getting it right.
truly i am heartbroken that one bad day ruined things. i kinda wish that if i knew what the aftermath was goin to b that i had done something genuinely bad to warrant the new feelings ur having. at least then it would b easier to justify to myself, although i do understand where ur coming from.....when u loose trust u loose trust. i fully accept the responsibility of my actions. i am sorry.
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