Sunday, September 04, 2005
ASSHOLE DAYS....
i have this incredible urge to write and let out all the icky stuff ive been feeling the last few days or months, w/e. time frame is irrelevant. i should only write this stuff in my bedside journal and yet i still feel the urge to post it on here. i dont know what gives, but then again i havent been feelin myself lately. ive been feeling "wishy-washy", u know undecisive and confused alot. normally i am NOT like that at all. i think some of my skeletons r trying like hell to escape from the closet. unfortunately i cant deal with them just yet b/c of the very situation that caused them. ie---i still havent grieved over my mom b/c her estate isnt settled. thats just one skeleton though.........im not sure what my issue is exactly. its a bunch of stuff. its having a guy that has idealized me to the point he doesnt truly c me for me. its ppl having expectations of me that rnt realistic. its not being able to get my moms stuff back from my x. its feeling like im losing my independence. its not spending enough time with my girlfriends doin our thing. its feeling like i have the responsibility of too many things and ppl. its not knowing whether or not i want to play house. its wanting a guy but only when i want a guy around. its wanting to quit but not wanting to quit. its wanting my cake and eat it too. its 50 things pulling me in all directions. its talking too much. its feeling too much. its wondering y in the fuck cant i just get on with it or over it or anything with it. its y do i feel like the crazy one? its y do i do this, get this way. its y cant someone fuckin relate? y cant things just b normal? its god make my brain stop racing. ........u get the point. i feel a little better just putting it in writing. all the talkin ive done lately helped at that moment but ultimately exhausted me more. im tired of talking things out. i just dont want to deal with it anymore....and its not good to ignore the issue(s) but damn im sick of being in this mood. i just want to let the mood pass now.....so much for wanting huh???
1 comment:
sounds to me like you need to take a step back and decide what you really want from life. everybody has their skeletons, but sometimes you need to actually let them out to be able to deal with them. if you set your guy down and and talk to him if he truly cares he'll understand. a lot of people are in love with the idea of being in love. which isn't to say that he doesn't love you, just that he's been too busy being in love to learn to understand you. guys can learn, they may not act like it. just sitting there saying "i know" but eventually they'll get it.
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