PURGING

years ago a movie called the banger sisters came out and my mom wanted to see it really bad. i bought the dvd without knowing what the movie would be like, and i remember watching it with my mom one night. when the movie was over she said that i probably wouldn't appreciate what it was about because i was young. if you've never seen it it's about 2 friends who were groupies when they were younger. 20yrs later one is still living in that past, the other has grown up and moved on. the mature one lost sight of herself b/c of family obligations---always sacrificing herself for someone or something else. it's a good movie to watch if you can appreciate a sort of coming of age story. anyhoo i just watched it on tv and it made me think about change, sacrifice, being true to yourself or not, my mom.......you know. it makes me wonder what my mom may have gave up in order to be the mom she was.
i hate change personally, but i know it's the only real constant in life. i remember a time when i felt like i lost myself, and i just couldn't get back to where i was. it felt like i didn't recognize the face in the mirror. it was an awful feeling, scary. not being sure of who you are or what you're doing or where you're going is a lot like going thru puberty---super awkward. even as old as i am now i feel like there are times where i am just not sure of anything.....it makes me miss my mom more than words can describe. you know it never gets any easier. in fact i think it just keeps getting harder---the more i accomplish or all the bad days or the times i just want to talk or need some good advice. it's harder than hell.