I was thinking because I know I don't belong in Mount Vernon. I mean the people are nice most of the time but it is such a small town that I can't really be me. kent isn't home either, with all the people I cared about, gone and not really knowing if they even remember me sometimes. I am beginning to wonder if anything will change once I graduate. Do I belong in the real world? once Iget to be a teacher will I be able to handle that? I mean I can't even bring myself to buy teacher clothes yet.
I am pretty sure I am not going to get a job at Cedar Point for the summer so I really want to cry because my two best friends from high school are going to end up there without me. I will celebrate turning 21 here, but I don't think it will be much of a celebrationanymore because in Mount Vernon you have to be on good behavior or else you are like on the outsider list forever and everyone will make yous life a living hell.
And the 3-4 hours a day I see my mom she like doesn't want to just get away. Like when it was raining a couple of days ago she had to look out the window and tellme everything she saw. Iwas like mom if i wanted to see i would get up and look, but I stayed. She didn't get the hint. The first day i got here i put shoes on and she was like what are you doing? I was like whoa, mama I am putting shoes on.... *sighs* I love her a lot, but she gets on my nerves so fast. She still talks to me like I am three and I keep telling her and telling her and she tells me she will stop or blames me because she only has the cats around to talk to.
Like I said I don't think I can handle this town this summer. I may just get real depressed again this summer only without a job. nah I will just find a stupid one that requires little thought.
1 comment:
i wonder if u really have a passion for teaching, cause i think if u did it wouldnt matter where u were. friends?? well that changes. the "best friends" i had in hs went off to college and that was it for us. we didnt talk again. the real friends i had, we kept in touch and hung out and im thankful that it was that way. ppl grow and change and pick different priorities than they used to have. its all part of life. thinkin back, not once in hs did i ever think that the friends i knew would b my friends for life. i knew that their goals and dreams were different than mine and that if i wanted to succeed then come college i wouldnt b able to talk or hang out as much. i was willing but they werent and that was ok with me. u ever hear of letting go?? did it hurt my feelings? ofcourse cause we were all really close. it was like losing sisters to me. but sometimes u cant have the whole package. sometimes u gotta do whats in ur best interest not in everyone elses. and thats a very grown up thing to do.
bday celebrations?? hmmm. my last big celebration was when i was 16. from then on it wasnt huge and meaningful anymore. i got a card and a gift and that was it. i figure that when it comes to bdays as u get older its only special if u have ppl in ur life that want to make it special for u. other than that its just really another day. what exactly did u expect to do for turning 21??? get drunk??? u do that anyways, so in reality the specialness of 21 is gone. the only big deal is that now u and u alone can by urself alcolhol. woohoo. i know vernon is small and judgemental but i have had plenty of fun here and not been considered an outsider or had my life made into a livin hell. again ill ask what did u want to do???pfft. fuck that. ur pissed cause u wont get to hang out with the ppl u really want to.
mama?? i dont know what to tell u. the relationship i had with my mom was closer, i didnt get annoyed. i would think that a heart to heart talk might help. tell her that u feel like shes treating u like a child when ur becoming a woman. tell her that it annoys u and makes u not want to b around. it may sound hurtful but if uve tried explaining nicely maybe a little bluntness will do the trick. also keep in mind that shes probably havin that "empty nest" syndrome. all in all u cant go wrong with communication.
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