B'SING......

WELL HELLO OUT THERE! IM DONE WITH MY CLINICALS AND WILL TAKE MY FINAL EXAM ON THIS COMING TUESDAY--THANK GOD! I JUST HAVE TO DECIDE WHEN I WANT TO TAKE MY STATE TEST, DO I WANNA WAIT TIL JANUARY OR GET IT DONE IN DECEMBER???? HAVENT DECIDED FOR SURE JUST YET....... I HAVENT REALLY BEEN DOIN ANYTHING OUTSIDE OF CLASS. I HAVE HAD AN INTERESTING COVERSATION WITH CHICA ABOUT PPL BEING SCARED IN RELATIONSHIPS, U KNOW HAVING WALLS AND JUST NOT COMMUNICATING HOW THEY FEEL VERY WELL OR AT ALL. I MUST ADMIT THAT I HAVE SOME WALLS AND IM NOT GOOD AT JUST OPENLY TELLING SOMEONE THAT I CARE ABOUT THEM. I DO A BETTER JOB AT JUST SHOWING THEM I CARE BY WHAT I DO FOR THEM OR HOW I ACT AROUND THEM. U KNOW, THE "LITTLE THINGS"......FOR EXAMPLE----STAYING UP LATE JUST TO CALL THEM WHEN I HAVE TO GET UP VERY EARLY OR LEAVING LITTLE NOTES THEY CAN FIND TELLING THEM TO HAVE A GOOD DAY. SURE HEARING HOW SOMEONE FEELS ABOUT U IS A GREAT EGO BOOST AND IT MAKES U FEEL ALL WARM AND FUZZY, IT MAKES UR HEART SMILE, BUT THE WORDS DONT MEAN ANYTHING UNLESS THERE'S SOME KIND OF ACTION BEHIND IT........RIGHT? AT LEAST THATS THE WAY I LOOK AT IT. AS FOR MY WALLS........WELL, I DONT HAVE AN EXPLANATION BEYOND THIS----MY X WOULD TELL ME HOW HE FELT AND THEN ACT THE EXACT OPPOSITE. HE WOULD SAY THINGS TO ME TO GET MY HOPES UP OR TO SHUT ME UP AND THEN NEVER FOLLOW THRU. HE WOULD USE HOW I FELT TOWARDS HIM TO HIS OWN ADVANTAGE----LET ME POUR MY HEART OUT AND THEN DEVASTATE ME. HAVING TO DEAL WITH THAT SO MANY TIMES MAKES ME WORRIED THAT THE NEXT GUY WILL DO IT TOO. IT MAKES ME MORE THAN WORRIED----IT MAKES ME AFRAID TO LOVE SOMEONE THAT WAY AGAIN, MAKES ME AFRAID THAT THE NEXT ONE WILL JUST B SAYIN THAT SHIT TO B SAYIN IT CAUSE IN HINDSIGHT THATS EXACTLY THE WAY MY MARRIAGE WAS. I THINK HE SAID THAT HE LOVED ME AND CARED FOR ME JUST BECAUSE THATS WHAT UR "SUPPOSED" TO SAY WHEN UR MARRIED, NOT B/C HE FELT IT OR MEANT IT. SO YEAH I HAVE SOME WALLS WHEN IT COMES TO BELIEVING THAT A GUY REALLY FEELS FOR ME WHAT HE SAYS HE DOES. DO U BLAME ME FOR FEELING THAT WAY?!?! AND YEAH I KNOW THAT IN ORDER TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP U HAVE TO TAKE THE RISK OF GETTING UR HEART RIPPED OUT B4 U CAN REALLY START FEELING THE "GOOD STUFF"..........ITS JUST REALLY HARD FOR ME TO TAKE THAT JUMP, ITS LIKE I WANNA KNOW WHAT IM GETTIN INTO FIRST---WHICH ISNT EVER GOIN TO HAPPEN, CAUSE LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS DONT COME WITH THAT SORT OF GAURANTEE. AM I JUST FUCKED???? I DONT KNOW, BUT IM NOT BITTER---I KNOW THAT NOT ALL GUYS R LIKE MY X. I KNOW THAT IM READY FOR AN UPGRADE ;) AND I KNOW THAT IM READY TO LOVE SOMEONE EVEN MORE, EVEN HARDER THAN I LOVED HIM. ITS JUST THAT FIRST STEP............ITS STEPPING OFF THE EDGE OF COMFORT AND VERBALIZING HOW I FEEL AND THEN WAITING TO C IF THEY TRULY FEEL THE SAME OR R JUST BULLSHITTING ME. I, LIKE MOST PPL, HATE LETTING MYSELF BECOME VULNERABLE TO SOMEONE ELSE'S EMOTIONS AND ACTIONS........ITS NOT SO BAD IF ITS RECIPROCATED. AND ITS NOT SO BAD WHEN U PUT URSELF OUT THERE FOR PPL THAT U DONT REALLY CARE WHAT THEY THINK OR HOW THEY WILL REACT----THATS THE DIFFERENCE, CARING AND NOT CARING. JUST SO HAPPENS THAT I CARE THIS TIME............YEAH, I KNOW CHICA----QUIT BEING A PUSSY AND JUST SAY IT ALREADY!!! WHAT ASTOUNDING ADVICE THAT U GIVE ME!!! HAHAHA..............ANY OTHER ADVICE????